Bad Brad’s Big Blog Theory
Suddenly, there was a huge cacophonous sound. The event was actually unimaginably tiny, and there was probably nothing quite like sound yet, but FINALLY, after who knows how long, time itself was invented. At long last, with the appearance of sensible chronologies, event could follow event, and shit happened. At that instant, this minuscule primal orifice belched forth the entire essential underlying ingredient that constitutes all of our energy and matter, time and space, and what not.
The dense primordial goo was impregnated with something dark and yeasty. This caused the spacey-ness of “the everything” to grow and grow, thus creating directions in all directions. Then, just as time had allowed for the separation of events, space now allowed for the separation of things, and with growth even more so. The hot cosmic pie was then set to cool on the window sill of thermal conservation.
All things being equal, they really weren’t. Thus parity being what it isn’t, some of the stuff prevailed over other stuff in the first great war of attrition, and matter banished anti-matter to the margins.
Then on one fateful glorious day before days, matter and energy went their separate ways in a somewhat less-than-uniform uncoupling. At last, data could be recorded, compiled, and overwhelming. The little seeds of that non-uniformity pressed their material advantage, and their massiveness snowballed.
It is important to remember that at this point in history all of the galaxies in the Universe were still just galaxy wannabees, mere wisps of minor temperature fluctuations. This was to remain true for a long time to come. God is mostly dark energy.