Brad’s Turkey Etiquette

You have one job. The Turkey. Don’t blow it.

1. Buy the biggest bird you can get. Try for a 25 to 30 pounder or more. Folks ALWAYS ask about and repeatedly remark about the size of the bird. So give them something to talk about. It’s only a few bucks more and it’s worth it. Leftovers are appreciated. Besides, the bigger the bird, the more meat to bone weight ratio. Why pay more for the bones?

The birds I use are organic, free range, and are given regular professional massage therapy to classical music, right up until Sara Palin herself cuts off their heads with her trusty straight razor.

2. When the bird is done, it’s time to eat, not time to start making the damn yams! The meat is not going to sit there getting juicier. Have the table ready and while you are putting Mr. Turkey on the platter and adding a LOT of of garnish, insist folks get to the table. If someone is late arriving, too bad. They are the ones being disrespectful. The turkey died for this. The turkey’s dead steamy carcass is the honored guest. Respect the turkey’s dead tasty body.

3. Once everyone is sitting, bring the whole bird to the table. THE WHOLE BIRD. Don’t cut the meat off the bones and put the white meat on one plate and dark on another. This is an art form and the bird is optically essential to it. Most importantly, nothing says Thanksgiving like the sight of that huge golden bird on a platter. No one is going to think “Ooooh look at that big plate of sliced meat” at least not like they will for a whole enormous bird.

4. Learn how to carve a damn turkey. It’s not a big deal. Look it up. Be sure to carve it one helping at a time, at the table, and put it on someone’s plate before carving the next serving for another plate. And look the part. Maybe put on a nice apron, not the joke one that makes it look like you have cartoon boobs. That’s for the 4th of July barbecue.

Be generous with the portions, pile it up. Don’t slice it thin! No no no! You can get thin slices at the deli 364 days out of the freaking year. Thin is ok on the next day for a sandwich if you must, but a slice of Thanksgiving turkey should be about an inch thick. It’s a turkey steak.



5. Always remember, the turkey today is not about nourishment. It is not about health food. It is a feast. Give ’em a show. The last person who tried to tell me I should eat healthy on Thanksgiving was smoking so many cigarettes so fast that even the folks at Chernobyl would have asked him to step outside.

Tofurky? Oh holy jebus freaking almighty christ in a handbasket no.

My three favorite things about Turkey day; beer, turkey, and beer. Kick back and watch a ball game. It’s all about tradition. Me and my recliner go way back. I hope Dallas gets their collective ass kicked. I know, I know, football is violent. Ok, during half-time I’ll switch over to the nature channel so we can see the little bunny rabbit hop around until it gets chomped by the arctic fox (I hope it’s organic).

Oh yeah, the turkey died for us so I guess we should thank him. Um… thanks.