Free Advice

November 18, 2012


Once only you live.Wisdom of Solomon
Proverbs 1:1 to 31:1

1:1 These are the wise sayings of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel.

1:7 The beginning of knowledge is to be afraid of the Lord. So be very afraid.

1:8 My son, listen to me and your mother.

1:10 Don’t hang with bad people.

3:1 Don’t forget to obey the law.

4:1 The instructions of a father are a valuable thing.

5:3 Don’t ever hook up with strange women. Oh sure, her lips are like honey. But she will lead you straight to hell.

6:5 Don’t be a lazy ass.

Pole dancing requires significant strength, flexibility and endurance.6:16 God totally hates liars.

6:30 People will be somewhat understanding if a hungry thief steals food, but having sex with another man’s wife? Whoa. That sir is another matter.

7:7 Simple men go down to the street corners where all the prostitutes hang out. The whores say “Wanna party? Come with me to my big beautiful bed and we will do the bouncy bounce all night until the sun comes up.” Next thing you know the guy is dying from liver problems.

8:11 Wisdom is way better than rubies.

9:13 A foolish woman knows nothing.

10:1 A wise man makes his father glad but a foolish son is the sadness of his mother.

10:27 Fear the Lord and live long, otherwise count on dying young.

11:2 First pride, then shame.

12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown of glory to her husband. But if she makes him ashamed she is like dry rot to his bones.

12:19 Truth is forever but a lie is only for a moment.

Spanking children is child abuse, primitive and barbaric child abuse.13:24 He who loves his child beats the hell out of the little bugger with a stick, and he who hates his child spares him the beatings.

14:15 Simple men believe everything they hear but the prudent man looks into things for himself.

14:27 Fear of the Lord is the fountain of life.

15:1 A soft answer turns away anger but a harsh one invites it.

15:3 God sees every freaking thing.

15:17 Better is a vegetarian dinner where love is, than an ox that won’t budge.

15:20 A wise son makes his father glad and a foolish man hates his mother.

15:25 The Lord really hates proud people.

18:13 Don’t answer until you’ve heard all the facts.

Communication is a key part to building a healthy relationship.19:13 Arguments from a wife are a continual bummer.

20:13 Don’t love sleep. It will make you poor.

20:30 The blueness of a wound is what cleans it and a bruise heals your insides.

21:9 It is better to live in a corner on the roof than inside the house with a big brawling woman.

21:13 Help the poor or no one will help you when you need it.

21:19 It is better to live in the wilderness than with an angry woman.

22:14 The mouth of a foreign woman is a deep pit. Men that are hated by the Lord will fall into that pit.

22:28 Don’t destroy ancient landmarks.

Greedy oil speculators try to force Tiger Woman and her band of warriors from their jungle home.23:27 A whore is a deep ditch and a foreign woman is a narrow pit.

23:29 Who has problems and sorrows and red eyes? People who drink too much wine.

25:16 Have you found some honey? Don’t eat too much or you will vomit.

25:21 If your enemy is hungry, feed him. Then the Lord will put burning coals on his head. HA!

26:3 Whip a horse, bridle a donkey, and beat the hell out of a foolish man with a stick.

26:11 Just as a dogs licks his own vomit, so a fool returns to his foolishness.

26:20 When there is no wood, the fire goes out. And when there is no gossip, life is easier.

The first reference to the word stereotype in its modern use in English, outside of printing, was in 1850.27:1 Don’t brag about tomorrow. Who knows what will happen? Nobody.

27:15 A rainy day and a bitchy woman are just alike.

28:1 The wicked run away when no one is chasing them.


The words of Agur of Massa

I am so stupid.
Please rid me of vanity and lies before I die.
Kids now days are terrible.

Four things are exceedingly wise.

  1. Ants, which are not strong but work all summer.
  2. Rabbits which are feeble but build nests in the rocks.
  3. Locusts which have no king yet travel in armies.
  4. Spiders which can even live in the palace.


Dish Girl. Stock image.The words of King Lemuel

Don’t give power to women.

Kings should not drink wine or they will forget about the law. Give wine to those who are about to die, or the very sad, or the poor so they can forget their misery.

Who can find a virtuous woman? She is worth more than rubies. She can be trusted by her husband. She makes things from wool and cloth and otherwise works well with her hands. She brings her husband food. She gets up way before sunrise to cook him breakfast. She buys a field and plants grapes. She has muscles. She is not afraid of snow. She sews and sells her sewing for extra cash.

Rosie the Riveter is a cultural icon of the United States representing women who worked in factories during World War II (artist J. Howard Miller 1942).

Next: Happy Happy Joy Joy
The Bible According to Brad

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