An Old Fashioned Love Song

December 2, 2012


You're as young as you feel.The Love Poem
Song of Solomon 1:1 to 8:11

1:1 This is the best song of all the songs. It was composed by Solomon. Let him kiss me right on the mouth with his mouth.

Your love is better than wine and you are well known for your savory skin lotions. That’s why the virgins all love you. Call us and we will come running straight away.

1:4 The king has taken me to his bedroom for a little one on one action. I am so glad and I will remember him more than wine.

Don’t look at me your majesty, for I am darkly tanned. I am darkened by the sun because I was forced to work in the vineyards. My skin tones are unpleasantly dark.

1:7 Tell me my little hottie, where might one find a girl like you hanging out and why should I come trying to find you? Answer me immediately or go away. You remind me of those powerful horses that pull Pharaoh’s chariots. Except those horses wear beautiful jewelry. I will give you such jewelry to wear if you come do me.

The key to a woman's heart is to act like a gentlemen. Bitches love gentlemen.1:12 While the king sits near me at dinner he can smell my spicy perfume. Later he will lie all night between my big breasts.

You are beautiful my love, with eyes like a dove that are green like our bed.

2:1 I am like a fresh rose or the lily of the valley. I am a lily amongst thorns compared to those other women. And my lover is like an apple tree amongst other lesser types of trees compared to other men. I have sat in his shadow and his tasty fruit is so sweet. I am lovesick. He holds me and says beautiful things. He is like a young horny buck. He is mine, I am his.

Turn to me my love. Turn to me right now this instant and be like a young buck all night until the sun comes up.

3:1 One night I dreamed I couldn’t find him. I searched the whole town. Finally I found my king with his mighty army about him and a shiny crown on top of his head.

Real love isn't made by fairy godmothers. It's made by trial, error, drunk texts, depression, fights, and by standing together and lying to the phone company.4:1 You are beautiful my love. You have a dove’s eyes. You have hair like a flock of frolicking goats. Your teeth are like a perfectly sheared flock of sheep, each sheep pregnant with twins. Your lips are like scarlet thread. Your neck is like a tall castle tower. Your breasts are like a big bouncing pair of young twin deer that are feeding amongst the lilies. All night long until the sun comes up I will be at your mountain of spice. You have ravished my heart my sister, my wife. Your lips are like sweet sweet honey.

The width?She is like a whole garden of tasty delights, my sister, my wife. Awake the wind! Awake the wind this very instant and tell it to come hither and blow upon this garden and make her spices flow out. Let me come to this garden and eat all her pleasant fruits.

Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love. - Albert Einstein (photo from the movie Turkish Delight 1973).

5:4 I dreamed last night that he came to my bedroom door and called to me and my bowels moved. I mean I was so excited I pooped. Then I went to let him in and there was no one there. I went looking for him and the night guard saw me wandering out of my room so he beat me.

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. - Dolly PartonMy lover is a white man with dark black hair. His legs are like powerful pillars of marble. He is altogether lovely. He is my lover and my best friend.

6:8 There are 60 wives, 80 sex slaves, and too many virgins to count, and they all praise this one woman. I went down into her garden of nuts to see the fruits of her valley. And to see if the vine flourished and pomegranates budded. Oh they budded alright.

7:1 Your feet are beautiful my princess. Your thighs are like well-crafted jewels. Your navel is like a goblet. Your belly is like a heap of wheat set with lilies. Your breasts are like bouncy twin deer. Your neck is an ivory tower and your eyes are like fish pools. Your nose is also like a tower and your hair is like, um, purple curtains I guess. You stand like a stately palm tree and your breasts are hanging like a cluster of giant grapes. I will go up this palm tree and take hold of the boughs. Your lips and sweet wine, both make me talk in my sleep. Come my love. Come to me right now. Let us get up early and go to the vineyard. I will make love to you there in the dirt.

Sweet little shmoopy doopy doggie woggie love bug shnoogums.8:1 I wish you had grown up with me like a brother and sucked on my mother’s breasts with me. We would have kissed in secret even as children. I would have let you sneak in and drink the spicy juice of my pomegranate every night. Your arms should be around me all the time.

Be loyal to me darling for jealousy is like coals of fire. Any amount of water cannot quench love’s fire, you cannot drown it. And it cannot be bought for any price.

8:8 My little sister has no breasts. She is so flat. What ever will we do when it comes time to find her a husband and get her married? She could pass for a wall or a board. I however, I am like a wall with major breasts like towers and I have found favor in his majesty’s eyes.

8:11 Solomon rented out his vineyards. But this body of mine is like my vineyard. Hurry my love. Hurry and be like a young buck on my mountains of spice.

I love it when you dirty talk all techie like your mouse needs batteries and my device is not inserted and shit.

Next: Woe to the World
The Bible According to Brad

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