Hot Gun Love

I’ll say one thing about these perennial tragic shootings, they sure bring out the stupid. My news feeds are jammed with stupid. I got people swearing that the solution is to arm everyone, apparently even the first graders. Some folks have some sort of John Fucking Wayne complex that romanticizes the old west, turning every possible confrontation of society into the OK Coral.

Others are telling me that the problem is we need more religion, more worshiping of The Holy Cult of Tax Free Jebus. Oh wait we tried that. Screw the old west, bring back medieval hyper-religious feudalism. As if the religious have never been violent, never hung a witch, crashed a plane, or bombed another church just because those other guys sang the song with different chords.

I honestly can’t say precisely what this chart is telling us. There just isn’t enough information presented. But it’s probably part of some bigger picture that is not at all flattering for America. There are tons of these being circulated right now and I just grabbed one at random.

How about this idea? To get more than a Daisy Red Ryder model, you have to take a gun safety test, a background check, a sanity test, and an IQ test. Here’s an example. If you think everyone should be packing heat, you fail the test. No guns for you. You’re crazy, class A1 bat guano. If you think religion’s most ardent adherents are the sanest and safest and peaceful of the flock, no guns for you. Hell, no driver’s license for you either. For all the historical perspective you have, you may as well have been hiding in a packing crate your whole life. So just stay in there. Here’s a piece of paper and some rounded scissors. Make something pretty.

Anyone who passes with adequate wattage can go bottle plinking or bambi blasting with a modicum of fire power. I have no problem with that. They can even supervise outings for some of the dumb-asses who think Somalia would be a great holiday destination.

Maybe (just throwing this out there), the best security for an elementary school, short of barb wire and a platoon of marines, might be having several large well trained guard dogs. It’s not perfect, but dogs love children, work cheap, and it’s difficult even with a rifle for a delusional 20 yr old emo to take out a whole pack before one of the brutes clamps down on his balls.

Imagine if the news today was focusing on the sad funeral for a couple of dogs and a pair of testicles, instead of twenty Christmas trees with presents under them that won’t be opened by the kids whose names are on them. Think of it as Darwinism at work.

Even a wiener dog could at least sound an alarm when it smells a combo of gun oil and cheap aftershave. Throw in a sheep dog of some sort. Bell rings, recess over, Old Shep herds them all in and then circles the yard looking for strays.

A good dog cares about kids. And it doesn’t care about color or gays or religion or any of that crap. Try telling a dog about religion and they look at you as if to say “Whatever Charlemagne, just throw the damn frisbee.”

When it comes to having unfettered gun ownership and ineffective gun laws, when it comes to committing to violence as a first resort, when it comes to yelling loudly and swinging a big stick and overly romanticizing rugged individualism, America as a whole is a sick puppy. We’re mentally ill and in denial about it. Meanwhile the second amendment, as written, is antiquated bullshit. Bearing arms should be a restricted privilege and access to health care, especially mental health care, should be a right.