Jeremiah 1:1 to 18:1
1:1 The sad miserable tidings of Jeremiah, into whose mouth many words were put by the Lord.
1:4 God knew me before I was even in my mother’s belly. Before I was even a sperm. Then when I became a fetus he decided he wanted me to be a preacher. I said “But Lord, I’m just a little fetus.” But he put his hand on my mouth and said “Shhh, I am going to be putting my words into your little fetus mouth. Just go with it.”
The Lord also mentioned that he was going to be criticizing a lot of people and I’m down with that so it worked out great.
2:1 The Lord told me to go crying to Jerusalem which is good because crying is kind of my thing. God remembers the old timey Israelites and he sure misses those good old days. The people have changed so much since then. And God killing off people’s children hasn’t helped the way you think it might. Instead of thanking him the people just kill God’s prophets in retaliation. Something radical needs to be done about this.
3:1 They say that if a man throws out his wife and she becomes another man’s wife, she can never go back to her first husband. The Lord says you Jews are just whores and sluts now, and like an estranged wife you can’t come back to him. That’s why it hasn’t rained lately. Yeah, that’s the reason.
Israel, you have been a whore spreading your legs under every green tree on every hill. The Lord said to me “When I saw Israel being a whore and a slut, I divorced her. But her sister Judah wasn’t frightened by that. Judah is a stupid whore also. In fact, Judah was such a slutty stupid whore that it ruined the land. She even committed adultery with the rocks! Actually Israel wasn’t quite as bad of a whore as Judah. I guess you can tell Israel that she should come back to me and I will be merciful if she will quit being such a whore. If everyone will try to be better behaved I will make things better, like letting it rain for instance. I will make Israel and Judah both proud and powerful again instead of stupid whores.”
Up in the hills you can hear a voice crying because the children of Israel have forgotten their God. Just go out there and try to find a decent follower of the old ways. It’s impossible. Their sins are many. They must be properly punished but not totally destroyed. A few will be allowed to live. Some mean people will come from the north on horses and they will yell at the people of Israel and Judah and have no mercy on them.
7:1 The Lord told me, “Jeremiah, stand over by the gate and tell everyone to change their ways and customs and behaviors and traditions and views and opinions and life styles, and quit being stupid whores.” So I did. I said “Hey, people, do this and God will be on better terms with you.” Nobody listened to me. Nobody ever listens to me. Everyone hates me. I have a bad feeling about this. Something bad is coming.
8:1 Suddenly God said to bring out all of the bones of the dead royalty of Judah and lay them all out on the dirt under the sun and moon. God says those bones must not be gathered up or buried but instead be allowed to dry in the sun like dung. Weird.
9:1 Oh that my head might be filled with water so I could cry all night for my people. I cry and cry. They are such damn liars. God deserves revenge on them. Prepare to do a lot of crying people, a lot of crying! The people are worshiping large religious thingies made of wood and silver. These idols are powerless and do no good but I suppose they also do no evil. They don’t do anything. They’re just wood and silver.
11:11 God is so mad at the Jews today that it is even too late for them to cry for mercy. He told me not to cry for them anymore. He will refuse to listen to them even when they cry. He will bring evil to them and there will be no escape and they will cry and cry and cry. Nice. Finally.
13:1 The Lord told me to get a girdle and put it on. Then he told me to take the girdle to the river and hide it in a hole in the rocks. Later he had me go get the girdle out of the rocks but it was damaged and kind of smelly and pretty much worthless. “This girdle reminds me of the Jews” said God. “The Jews use to cling to me like a tight-fitting girdle but now they are damaged and worthless like tattered moldy underwear.”
When a black man can make himself white, and a leopard can change his spots, then a man who is evil can become good. Bad times they are a’coming. I have such a bad feeling about this.
16:1 The Lord instructed me not to bother getting a wife or to ever have children. The reason is that all children born here recently and their mothers and their fathers will be killed soon in horrible ways. They will not even be buried but instead be eaten by scavengers. So I remained single. Yeah, that’s the reason.
17:19 The Lord told me to stand by the gate and yell at people for carrying things on Saturday. They seemed pretty annoyed at me for that. But they know God hates it when people work on his day off. The people, they never listen to me. Bastards. Something bad will come of this. Something real bad will come of this.
18:1 The Lord had me go down to the clay potter’s house where he told me a long boring analogy about how making clay pots is just like the way God makes people and nations. Of course when the pot doesn’t turn out quite right you can squash it and remold it into something new. That’s what God does with humans.
Next: Haters Gonna Hate
The Bible According to Brad
Cry Baby Cry
December 16, 2012
Subscribe to our RSS feed and social profiles to receive updates.