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Joshua Anointed Numbers 25:1 to 35:9 25:1 The Israelites hung out in a place in Moab called Shittim and became infatuated by the Midianite culture there, especially the women. Shittim was modern. Shittim was fancy. Many Israelite men enjoyed hooking up with Midianite girlfriends and they also began to study the sophisticated city folk’s worldviews […]

Balaam’s Ass Numbers 15:1 to 22:1 15:1 Yahweh told Moses he needed revenue and he said to raise taxes on the people again. He also detailed how much in fees and penalties people would have to pay this time to be forgiven for an array of new sins. He said that any strangers in the […]

Twelve Spies Numbers 11:1 to 14:39 11:1 When people complained about stuff it really irritated Yahweh. He would become very moody and go around randomly burning innocent people to death. The people ran crying to Moses about the unfairness of it all. Moses had a little talk with Yahweh who agreed to stop the random […]

Ark of the Covenant Numbers 1:1 to 7:1 1:1 Yahweh said to Moses, “Count up how many men, 20 years and older, that are capable of going to war. I need to know how many soldiers I can field. Except don’t count the Levites. I need them to take care of the church and administrate […]

Mosaic Law Leviticus 18:1 to 27:34 18:1 “Listen to me. I am God. Don’t behave the way you did in Egypt, running around buck nekid all the time.” Yahweh gave Moses a long sermon about nudity. He explained when to get naked, when not to get naked, who to see naked, who not to be […]

The Tabernacle Leviticus 1:1 to 16:2 1:1 Yahweh talked to Moses in the new tabernacle tent and said things like “Bring me the Israelite’s best cows and slit their throats and smear blood all over.” And of course “Cook those tasty critters extra crispy! I like my steaks well done and extra lean.” Yahweh included […]

Worshiping Baal Exodus 32:1 to 40:38 32:1 What could be taking Moses so long? The people grew restless for mindless rituals and excessive dogma so Aaron collected all the men’s earrings and molded them into the figure of a young cow. The people looked at the statue and said “There he is! That’s him! That […]

Ten Commandments Exodus 20:1 to 31:18 20:1 Yahweh spoke directly to Moses and laid down the law. (1) “I am the only god that helped you escape from Egypt. Don’t even consider any of those other gods to be more important than me, ever.” (2) “Don’t make any religious statues of anything at all, not […]

Parting the Sea Exodus 12:43 to 19:3 12:43 Yahweh said to Moses “When you have the feast of hard biscuits, don’t let strangers or foreigners eat any. If you buy a male slave, first separate him from the tip of his winky, then he can have a biscuit.” Yahweh went on and on about the […]

Ten Plagues Exodus 5:1 to 11:1 5:1 Moses and Aaron finally got their big audition with the Pharaoh of Egypt. They told him that Yahweh wanted the Israelites to go way out on the desert and have a strange bloody ritual. They added “If we don’t go do this God says he will kill us […]

Baby Moses Exodus 1:1 to 4:20 1:1 After hundreds of years of good times in Egypt, there was a coup d’etat and the descendants of the twelve sons of Israel were all fans of the losing Pharaoh’s regime. By this time the Israelite tribes had grown to a considerable piece of the Egyptian economic pie. […]

Pharaoh’s Dream Genesis 39:20 to 48:1 39:20 Although Joseph was a mere Canaanite slave, he rejected his Egyptian master’s wife’s romantic advances on moral principles. The scorned woman screamed rape and what with having Joe’s shredded shirt in her possession and all, the master believed her story. He threw poor Joe into prison. Life in […]