I Feel So Broke Up I Want To Go Home

March 22, 2012

Religion

Yul Brynner as Pharaoh, The Ten Commandments (1956)Ten Plagues
Exodus 5:1 to 11:1

5:1 Moses and Aaron finally got their big audition with the Pharaoh of Egypt. They told him that Yahweh wanted the Israelites to go way out on the desert and have a strange bloody ritual. They added “If we don’t go do this God says he will kill us with diseases and swords so we pretty much have to go, end of story.” Pharaoh answered “You guys want to go on a holiday? Who is this Yahweh character anyway? I think you people just like to goof off, that’s what I think. Just for making this unusual request, I order your people to work even harder by producing even more bricks for the government projects, and under ridiculous conditions like not having the right tools or materials.”

The Israelite people begged Pharaoh to lighten up but Yahweh controlled his mind and forced him to be more stubborn than he normally would. The tribal leaders went to Moses and said “Some hero you are. Perhaps you could help us get killed now.” Moses was getting pretty frustrated himself as well so he went out and had another little talk with almighty Yahweh. He said “Lord, why are you such an old meanie to me? How can you be so stinking evil? You’ve gotten me mixed up in the middle of a bunch of ethnic crap. The situation is worse than ever.” Yahweh said “If you think it’s bad now, just wait till you see what I do next. Bwaaahahaha. By the time I’m through, Pharaoh will be demanding that you leave. I am the supreme manipulator. I appeared to Abraham and to Isaac and to Jacob. All those famous guys, they called me God. They didn’t even know my name is really Yahweh. I promised them the Canaanite’s real estate. Oh I hear your people bitching alright. I will get them out of Egypt and give them the Canaanite’s land when I’m damn good and ready. Then I will take you to be my favorite people and you will treat me like a god. I will take you to Canaan. I am God! I am GOD! Woohooo I am GOD GOD GOD!”

Monty Python and The Holy Grail, Part 9: GodMoses went back and explained Yahweh’s maniacal ramblings to the Israelites and they said “Forget it bud, you’re fired. You and God have caused enough trouble for us already thank you.” So Moses went right back out there again and talked to Yahweh some more. “They say forget it bud, you’re fired. Besides, how will I get Pharaoh to listen to my uncircumcised lips?” Yahweh ignored the confusing question about uncircumcised lips and then went into one of his longest speeches ever. This time the monologue was mostly just some organizational stuff depicting precisely which elite Israelite families he wanted to be placed under Moses and Aaron’s dictatorship.

Not much progress happened on the Pharaoh front for awhile and then one day Yahweh contacted Moses and told him to go to the palace again. Moses responded “What about my uncircumcised lips?” Yahweh answered “Will you stop with the uncircumcised lips thing? I will make Pharaoh think you are some kind of god. Take Aaron, he can be sort of like your prophet or something, whatever. Of course I will again cause Pharaoh to refuse and then I will amaze everyone with some nifty magic tricks. I have some doozies in mind this time. Pharaoh will still have no choice but to refuse because of my mind control efforts so I can have an excuse to bring in my armies. That way all the Egyptians will realize how kick ass I am.”Moses and Aaron Appear before Pharaoh. Gustave Doré 1866

7:10 Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and showed him the clever stick-to-snake trick, definitely a classic, and everyone said “ooh, how did you do that?” Then Pharaoh called in his magicians and they all did the same exact trick and everyone was like “whoa, dude.” But then Aaron’s snake ate all of Pharaoh’s snakes and everyone said “ooooooooh.”

Moses won that round but Yahweh caused Pharaoh to react stubbornly again so he refused to release the Israelites to go on their holiday. Yahweh whispered to his performers “Watch this, hee heeee it’ll be great. Aaron, go hit the river with your stick.” Aaron smacked the Nile with his stick and Yahweh polluted the river by changing the water to blood.

Clipart - Cute FrogsThe following week Yahweh showed everyone his infinite wisdom, unequaled glory, and immense awesomeness by making frogs. The frogs were hopping all over the place and the people were like “Frogs? Really? What is God twelve?” But eventually the frogs died and the Egyptians scooped them all up into big piles just in time for Yahweh to send massive quantities of body lice. Nobody likes getting crabs. Then he made lots of pesky flies which really annoyed everyone, especially while they were trying to eat watermelon.

Pharaoh said to Moses “Ok crabs and flies do suck, take your stupid holiday in the desert but don’t go very far. Stay close enough that I can still see you out there and can come get you if I need to.” Moses said “But Pharaoh, you know how much the Egyptians hate our primitive religious dogma. They will come out there and throw rocks at us if we are in visual range. No deal.”

Moses all by himself was able to call off the flies, but Yahweh still wouldn’t let Pharaoh compromise with the Israelites on the itinerary. Next Yahweh killed some of the Egyptian’s cows with a disease, but not a single Israelite cow died. Moses ceremoniously sprinkled some ashes in front of Pharaoh and Yahweh made boils appear on the skin of all the Egyptians. Moses waved his magic wand again and hail came storming down on top of the Egyptian’s livestock and slaves. This was not your common every day type hail mind you, but smoking hot hail with fire. It was unlike anything they had ever seen. It destroyed all the vegetation and the slaves were none too pleased either.

Pharaoh called Moses back into the palace. “Ok, ok” he said, “you win. I’m sure some how this is entirely my fault, or maybe we Egyptian people are just inherently guilty people in general. But please, no more hot hail.” Moses stopped the fiery hail storm but Pharaoh’s attitude and behavior was again controlled by Yahweh’s manipulations and he reneged on cooperating.

The heavyweights of Pharaoh’s court tried to reason with him but he stood by silently while Moses brought swarms of locusts and then Pharaoh broke and groveled before Moses until Yahweh killed the locusts and then reneged on cooperating again. It was all so bi-polar. Yahweh repeatedly made Pharaoh behave in this irrational fashion to prove some obscure point about his capacity to torture people and animals.

Steve Martin's classic homage to an Egyptian boy king.Moses made it totally dark in Egypt for three whole days except in the Israelite neighborhoods where the days remained nice and sunny. That’s when Pharaoh suggested a face-saving compromise to Moses. Perhaps he could take the people out for a little holiday but leave all their livestock behind. Moses explained “We need the animals to kill and burn to a crisp for Yahweh, obviously.” At this Pharaoh totally lost his cool and blew up at Moses. He told Moses to get the hell out of the palace and get lost and that if he ever saw him again he would kill him.

11:1 Yahweh said to Moses “I am going to do one more really nasty cruel thing and then you may finally leave. Now remember, wear lots of jewelry. That’s important.” Yahweh did what he could to help the Israelites look fashionable to the Egyptians.

Moses said to Pharaoh “God has instructed me to go into the middle of Egypt at midnight. At that time all of the oldest Egyptian children will die, from the Pharaoh clear down to even including the animals. Like for instance if a dog has puppies, the first puppy born will die. The night air will be filled by a horrifying scream like you’ve never heard before. Then you’ll realize just how much God likes the Israelites more than he likes the Egyptians.” As Moses carried on about the upcoming holocaust he became more and more angry at Pharaoh and finally he stormed out of the palace with Yahweh whispering to him “Pharaoh will be made to refuse so that I can fully demonstrate my awful sadistic power, heehooo.”

Sure enough Yahweh made Pharaoh refuse to cooperate and then gave Moses another long boring speech. This time he personally designed a new calendar for the Israelites and gave them a special holiday to be celebrated by the communal killing of a young male sheep. The blood from this sheep was to be smeared above the doorways. The meat was to be cooked and eaten very quickly while wearing travelling clothes and shoes and with a stick in one hand. Yahweh said “It is The Lord’s Passover Holiday. I will be passing over Egypt and murdering lots of children, both human and animal. I am God and you best not forget it. When I am passing over I will be looking carefully at all the doorways to see who has smeared sheep blood all over them and who hasn’t. When I see the grotesque bloody smears on the doors, I will pass over without stopping to kill. Get it? Passover. Oh, and from now on, once a year at this time, you must eat hard biscuits for a week.”

Moses explained the new holiday to the Israelites and told them just how Yahweh wanted them to smear the blood and how to make the biscuits of the proper hardness. The people hung their heads down and praised the wisdom and generosity and baking expertise of the almighty Yahweh.

That night at midnight Yahweh and his goon squad came down and flew around the Egyptian neighborhoods. Any house where they saw no blood on the doorway they murdered all the firstborn living there. They even killed people in prison. Except for the Israelites, there was not a single household in Egypt where Yahweh didn’t murder at least one innocent child. He even killed firstborn kittens.

Lamentation Over The Death Of The First-Born In Egypt. Charles Sprague Pearce (1851 – 1914).

Pharaoh called Moses to the palace. Frogs were one thing but this was mass murder of thousands of innocent children. The mind control games were finally over and the Egyptians were allowed by Yahweh to tell the Israelites to expatriate themselves from Egypt immediately. Yahweh then influenced the Egyptian people to loan a bunch of jewelry to the tribes of Israel, you know, just in case the need for it should arise out there on the desert. The Israelites wasted no time heading for the border. The people left town so quickly that they didn’t even have time to make their bread properly so by coincidence it came out hard and flat just like Yahweh’s favorite recipe.

After 430 years of life on the luscious green banks of the beautiful Nile River Delta, the Israelites wandered out into the lonely desert.

Next: God is into War
The Bible According to Brad

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