My Way or the Highway

April 22, 2012


Birth of Venus, Sandro Botticelli 1485.Mosaic Law
Leviticus 18:1 to 27:34

18:1 “Listen to me. I am God. Don’t behave the way you did in Egypt, running around buck nekid all the time.” Yahweh gave Moses a long sermon about nudity. He explained when to get naked, when not to get naked, who to see naked, who not to be naked with, and so forth. “You must do as I order. I am God. Do not go to one of your relatives and try to take their clothes off and see them naked. Do not try to see your dad naked, or your mom naked, or your dad’s other wife naked, or your sister, or grandchildren, cousins, aunts, uncles, or in-laws. And don’t be trying to get your wife’s sister naked while your wife is still alive. That’s an important one. Don’t ever get a woman naked if she is menstruating, which goes without saying because that’s just gross. Just as a reminder, avoid having sex with your neighbor’s wife. I am God.”

Yahweh highlighted some more of the ever-increasing volume of stuff he hates. “Don’t follow the popular tradition of taking your newborn babies and running quickly through the ceremonial fires of the god Molech to insure them good fortune and health in life. Ooh how I hate that other god Molech! Also, gay men must not be having gay sex. I hate when gay men have sex with each other! Don’t have sex with animals because well let’s face it, that sort of thing is just confusing. These are all things that those other people do, but not you. I will punish those other ethnic, or sociopolitical, or religeous groups who tolerate such weird behavior by taking away their land. Don’t ever do any of the many things that I hate, I am God!”

19:1 Yahweh recounted some of the basic common sense rules of social order, like “love your neighbor.” But then he included rules about the absolute extreme importance of never marrying outside one’s ethnicity in order to maintain the people’s racial purity and proper skin tones. He also insisted people maintain the racial purity of their cows, and even their grain crops.

The number of interracial marriages in the U.S. has risen 20 percent since 2000 to about 4.5 million, according to the latest census figures.

19:20 “Any woman who is engaged to be married and is caught having sex with another man, he and she will both immediately be put to death. I am God.”

19:27 “Don’t cut the corners off your beard, leave it shaggy. You must never have any tattoos at all, none. Don’t force your daughters to be prostitutes if they don’t want to. Don’t work on Saturday. Don’t even talk to wizards but be nice to strangers. Fear me always! I am God.”

Molech. Bible Pictures with brief descriptions by Charles Foster - 1897.20:1 Yahweh again expressed his violent hatred of his current rival and chief competition in the local geographic region, the mighty Molech. Anyone caught participating in the rituals of Molech was to be killed. That included a lot of regional tribes for whom these Molech rituals were commonplace. Having shown his disdain for Molech, Yahweh relisted some of the many crimes for which the penalty is death. “Cussing at your parents, adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, don’t forget to kill the beast also. If it is discovered that a man has had sex with both a woman and her mother, then all three of them must be burned to death with fire. If a man has sex with a woman who is menstruating, you don’t necessarily have to kill the two of them, you can just run them both out of town. Kill all wizards. I am God.”

Yahweh then asserted, “I don’t want anyone to dress, talk, or walk like an Egyptian. Ooh how I hate that sort of thing. Did I mention I am God?”

21:1 Yahweh gave Moses an even stricter set of rules for the priesthood to follow. If a priest’s daughter has sex for money she is to be burned to death. A priest must never touch a dead person and he must marry a virgin. Yahweh insisted that “A priest of the highest order must be without any physical blemishes whatsoever, such as bad vision, a limp, a flat nose, a broken foot or hand, a crooked back, or too short, or with any scars. Don’t even let those freaks anywhere near my altar!”

23:1 Yahweh spoke to Moses and reiterated all the fine details concerning the holidays and precisely how to observe them and this time he included a few new details about sacrificing animals. Also this time he demanded bread and wine be served with his barbecue.

The Stoning of Soraya M. (2008)24:10 One day a young half Egyptian boy from the tribe of Dan was heard calling Yahweh a dirty word. Moses jailed the young lad and calmly awaited Yahweh’s personal judgment of the case. The powerful, all-knowing, loving and merciful Yahweh said “Kill him! Kill him! Take him out and pound him to death with rocks! Kill anyone who ever cusses me! It’s eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, kill for cussing, etc.” So they pummeled a little kid to death with rocks.

25:10 Yahweh declared that every 50 years they were to let the land rest and not plant any crops for a whole year. Also all existing debts were to be completely forgiven and nullified, all mortgages considered fully paid and so forth. This was supposed to represent a sort of economic renewal, obviously a silly impractical idea that was wholly ignored by everyone.

25:44 Yahweh said “Here’s a handy tip, you can buy slaves of both varieties, male and female, from the people in the nearby nations.”

26:1 Yahweh summed up his ultimatum. “If you follow my orders I will let it rain on your crops, especially during the rainy season. I will chase your enemies around and make them tired so you can kill them with swords. Five of you will be worth a hundred of them. I will live in the big awesome tent you made and I will not hate you much hardly at all. I am God. I’m the one who brought you out of Egypt. Not Molech!

On the other hand if you do not obey every single word I say…

      I will terrorize you big time.
      Your enemies will take away your food supply.
      They will kill you.
      I will punish you seven times the usual amount.
      I’ll make you weak and pathetic.
      I’ll make all your crops die.
      I will give you seven times as many diseases as I usually send your way.
      I’ll send some wild animals to eat your children.
      I’ll send animals to eat your cows.
      I will come down myself and kill you with my very own sword.
      I will send extra bugs to annoy you.
      You will lose wars.
      I will cause you to go hungry.
      So hungry that you actually eat your own children.
      I will destroy all your religious paraphernalia.
      I’ll waste your cities.
      I’ll scatter you abroad.
      I will kill you with my sword again.

Anxiety disorders are real, serious, and treatable.Those of you that survive all of that stuff will be so totally batshit paranoid that the least little sound will send you running in panic. Then if you come and say you are sorry and humble your uncircumcised hearts before me, I will start to remember some of the promises I have made and probably give you a little bit of a break.”

Yahweh then told Moses to tax the people each according to his wealth. Yahweh demanded a flat ten percent of the adjusted gross annual earnings.

27:34 These are the demands Yahweh dictated to the Israelite tribes from his earthly headquarters on Mount Sinai.

Next: A Special Promise
The Bible According to Brad

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One Comment on “My Way or the Highway”

  1. Michael Says:

    Good times. I am reminded of Dawkins “…Nature is not cruel, only pitilessly indifferent. This is one of the hardest lessons for humans to learn. We cannot admit that things might be neither good nor evil, neither cruel nor kind, but simply callous – indifferent to all suffering, lacking all purpose.”
    Richard Dawkins ~ River Out of Eden: A Darwinian View of Life


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