Tag Archives: creation

The Man Who Would be Kingmaker

August 5, 2012

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Samuel and Saul First Samuel 1:1 to 15:19 1:1 There was a man who had two wives. One of them was Hannah. 1:5 Hannah was having problems becoming pregnant because the Lord had messed around with her lady parts. Hannah was majorly depressed about it. She cried a lot and refused to eat. She promised […]

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The Perfect Woman

July 29, 2012

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Ruth 1:1 Once upon a time there lived a man named Emilech and his wife Naomi. They left Judah for Moab with their two sons. Emilech died soon thereafter, leaving Naomi to raise the boys by herself. 1:4 The boys grew up and married a couple of Moabite women and then both boys died, leaving […]

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Let Your Freak Flag Fly

July 22, 2012

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Samson and Delilah Judges 16:4 to 21:25 16:4 Samson fell in love with a woman named Delilah. The Philistine aristocrats offered Delilah a lot of money to find out the secret of Samson’s magical superman strength. Delilah wanted all that money. She wanted that money so very badly. Several times Samson lied to Delilah and […]

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The Lion, The Switch, and Thirty Wardrobes

July 15, 2012

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Samson and the Foxes Judges 13:3 to 16:1 13:1 Again the children of Israel were being bad little children from the Lord’s point of view. So he had the Philistines conquer and rule over them for forty years. Meanwhile a childless couple of the tribe of Dan was visited by one of the Lord’s many […]

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The Branch Manager

July 8, 2012

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Abimelech and Jephthah Judges 9:1 to 12:1 9:1 A chaotic power struggle ensued following Gideon’s death and through various manipulations and lots of murders Gideon’s son Abimelech managed to get himself crowned king. Meanwhile Abimelech’s brother Jotham was upset with the arrangement and the murders, so he made up a colorful analogy about how all […]

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It’s Not a Perfect Science

July 1, 2012

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Gideon’s Fleece Judges 6:1 to 8:27 6:1 The Lord got angry with the Israelites again so he helped the king of Midian take control of the tribes. The brutal oppression of the Midianites caused many of the Israelites to head for the hills and hide out in caves and such. Things looked pretty bleak for […]

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Order in the Court

June 24, 2012

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Ehud and Deborah Judges 1:1 to 5:26 1:1 The Israelite tribes each were given their own territory to live in, but occasionally they continued to kill remaining Canaanites indiscriminately, or run them off their land, or tax them severely and cut off their kings’ thumbs and big toes and such. Because so many of the […]

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Astronomy 101

June 17, 2012

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Battle of Gibeon Joshua 7:3 to 22:11 7:3 Joshua sent a detachment of only a couple of thousand troops to destroy the people in the city of Ai because for one thing they were so few of them. He also thought for sure they were wussies and would be a push over. That was a […]

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Milk and a Little Honey

June 10, 2012

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Battle of Jericho Joshua 1:1 to 6:1 1:1 Yahweh said to Joshua “Moses is dead. It’s up to you now. If you will be brave, I’ll be here to help you steal every parcel of land on which you step. So get stepping.” 1:12 Joshua reminded the tribes of Gad and Reuban that they had […]

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Rock on Moses

June 3, 2012

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Song of Moses Deuteronomy 31:19 to 34:10 31:19 Moses called the tribal leaders together and taught them a catchy song that he had written for them. The song didn’t really touch on anything new, it was mostly just what was awesome and what sucked about dealing with Yahweh. 32:1 Listen-up in the north, And listen […]

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Wicked and Doomed

May 27, 2012

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The Second Law Deuteronomy 1:1 to 31:14 1:1 Moses made a long speech romanticizing the bloody epic of the tribes. First he brought them up to date on some of his biggest accomplishments and then he highlighted the bright forecast for the anticipated genocide of the men, women, and children of Canaan. Yahweh had recently […]

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Rape and Pillage

May 20, 2012

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Joshua Anointed Numbers 25:1 to 35:9 25:1 The Israelites hung out in a place in Moab called Shittim and became infatuated by the Midianite culture there, especially the women. Shittim was modern. Shittim was fancy. Many Israelite men enjoyed hooking up with Midianite girlfriends and they also began to study the sophisticated city folk’s worldviews […]

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