The Perfect Woman

July 29, 2012

Ruth

1:1 Once upon a time there lived a man named Emilech and his wife Naomi. They left Judah for Moab with their two sons. Emilech died soon thereafter, leaving Naomi to raise the boys by herself.

1:4 The boys grew up and married a couple of Moabite women and then both boys died, leaving Naomi living with the two Moabite daughters-in-law.

1:7 Times were bad all over and food was getting scarce. Naomi heard that the economy was somewhat better back home in Judah so she decided it would be best to head over in that direction. One of the girls went home to her folks.

1:16 The remaining girl was named Ruth and she insisted on staying by Naomi’s side saying “Where you go, I go. Where you stay, I stay. Your people are my people. Your God is my God. Where you die, I die. Where you are buried, I’ll be…” Naomi said “Ok Ok, I get it, you can tag along let’s go.”

1:22 They came to Bethlehem and the people asked “Naomi? Is that really you?” She answered “Don’t call me Naomi. Call me Old Mrs. Bitterface because the Lord isn’t too happy with me apparently. My life has been one big disaster after another. Frankly, the Lord has been saying bad things about me and it makes me sick.”

Donald Trump considers running for Miss America, or president, or something.

2:1 Naomi had a rich old relative in Judah named Boaz who was the great great great great grandson of Judah himself. Ruth went to glean some leftover grain from his fields. Boaz noticed the hot little damsel out there picking up bits of barley in his fields and he started asking around about her. Ruth was just so absolutely wonderful, with a delightful attitude and good heart, taking care of her mother-in-law and all. She was better than seven sons. Maybe not better than eight sons. Somewhere around seven and a half sons. Anyway she was perfect wife material.

Boaz told her “You don’t have to pick leavings from the fields sweetie. You are way too adorable for that. You can go hang out with my maids if you want.” Ruth was totally flabbergasted. She responded “But I am just a poor girl, why are you singling me out and being so nice to me?” Boaz said “Well, you are taking good care of your old mother-in-law and you didn’t have to do that. You have a pleasant demeanor and personality. And you’re hot. Come on inside my tower and we’ll have dinner.”

Barley (Hordeum vulgare L.), a member of the grass family, is a major cereal grain. Important uses include use as animal fodder, as a source of fermentable material for beer and certain distilled beverages, and as a component of various health foods. It is used in soups and stews, and in barley bread of various cultures.

1:15 Because she was more attractive than other women, Boaz told the men to let Ruth not only glean the leavings, but to let her take some of the good stuff if she wanted and not to yell at her or anything.

1:18 Ruth hung out with the maids everyday as the harvesting continued and took home some of the grain to Naomi every evening. Naomi encouraged her to continue flirting with Boaz, maybe even skank it up a notch.

3:1 One day Naomi figured it was time to make a move so here is what she told Ruth to do. She said “Go to the threshing shed in the late evening but blend into the crowd so he doesn’t notice you are there. After he gets drunk, watch where he goes to sleep and sneak in and sleep by his feet. See what he does then.”

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3:6 Ruth went to the shed where she floated about unnoticed while Boaz got drunk. She sneaked behind him and followed him to bed where he passed out, but she only slept at the very foot of the bed and actually only intended to stay half the night, like any self-respecting girl who throws herself at a rich guy should. He eventually noticed her and said “Who dat?” She answered “Just me, little Ruthie, stalking you and sleeping at the foot of your bed. Not being creepy at all.” Boaz said “Oh my aren’t you just the most perfect… if rather strange little darling, sleeping by my feet like that. You could have crawled over and slept by the feet of any one of the younger men around here but no, you chose my feet. I am so crushing on you right now.”

I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants. ~ Carrie Prejean, Miss California 2009 in an interview with Christianity Today

3:14 Ruth got up to sneak out before anyone else was awake so that neither of them would have to walk the walk of shame in the morning. But before she left Boaz gave her a nice big bag of barley to take home.

3:16 When Ruth got home and told everything to her mom-in-law, Naomi said “Oh you have him right where you want him now. Good job. Let’s eat some barley.”

4:1 Boaz waded through a little red tape with the tribal elders and was able to buy out Naomi’s dead husband’s old estate. Then he purchased the license to be Naomi’s master and controller, and in the bargain he even wound up with the proper permit to legally mate with Ruthie.

4:13 Boaz and Ruth got married so she didn’t have to sleep at the foot of the bed anymore. They had a little boy named Obed whom Naomi nursed for them. That son was to become the grandfather of King David, which means Boaz was King David’s great grandfather. Which means Boaz’s father was David’s great great grandfather, and so on and so forth, so that Judah (the first Jew) was King David’s great great great great great great great great grandfather.

The End