Wicked and Doomed

May 27, 2012


Banksy, Armoured Peace Dove. This wall marks the spot where over 40 people were killed during the first Intafada (holes along the top are from bullets).The Second Law
Deuteronomy 1:1 to 31:14

1:1 Moses made a long speech romanticizing the bloody epic of the tribes. First he brought them up to date on some of his biggest accomplishments and then he highlighted the bright forecast for the anticipated genocide of the men, women, and children of Canaan.

Yahweh had recently decided that Moses himself was not to see the coveted real estate except from a distant mountain top. Moses reminded the people of all the weird rules that Yahweh had given them back when he use to appear as a big fireball. Moses warned them that they had better totally wipe out the people of Canaan or risk terrible punishment from God. On the other hand he promised wonderful prosperity to those who obeyed the kill order. Of course Yahweh could be expected to send deadly diseases to the tribe’s enemies, no problem there.

Partikal Katastr - Face of GodOver and over again Moses reminded the people of Yahweh’s unquestionable powers and how they had better grovel before him, fear him, and obey him unquestionably or suffer massive retaliation. Again Moses told the people what to eat, and what not to eat, who to kill, and how to pay Yahweh his dues with blood and burnt livestock.

14:27 “The tribe of Levi is to get no usual inheritance, no land trusts like the other tribes” Moses reiterated, “but instead gets to boss around and tax the other tribes.” The Levi tribe was to continue in the role of governing as a totalitarian theocracy. The people were warned to be on the watch for the rise of prophets both real and false, and that real prophets and false prophets could be differentiated by how precisely they could predict future events.

21:10 Moses went over the fine print of the latest regulations and statutes. For instance, suppose you invade and attack some people, and win, and capture some of them for slaves, and you notice one of the captives is a totally hot young babe, and you want to do her. First bring her to your house and shave all the hair off of her head, and give her a nice manicure. Then remove her slave outfit and give her some decent clothes. Give her a full month to grieve over the fact that you just murdered her parents. After that you may consider her to be one of your wives and you can rape her accordingly. But if you get tired of her or decide she’s not that great, you have to let her go free. You can’t suddenly decide to sell her or even trade her for something like a new donkey or whatever. You already boinked her so she is damaged goods.

Yvonne Romain as a servant girl, The Curse of the Werewolf (1961)

21:15 If a man has two wives, one that he loves and another he hates, and they have both given birth to sons, and if the mother of the oldest son is the wife that is hated, then when the inheritance is drawn up the oldest son will be given double what any other son is given, even though his mother is hated. Sorry, but that’s just fair, oldest is oldest.

21:18 If a man has a son that is kind of stubborn and rebellious and has a mind of his own and doesn’t want to live his entire life totally controlled by his father or mother, then grab him and drag him outside and say something like “this kid is stubborn and rebellious and a glutton and a drunkard.” And all the men of his city will come pummel him to death with rocks. Let him be an example to other children that they may hear about it and fear for their lives.

What's wrong with these photos - Ellen Degeneres Photo Gallery

22:1 Once again a long list of rules for daily living was spelled out for the people. It included a wide array of stuff, some of it rather odd.

  • Men and women must only wear clothing traditional to their own gender.
  • No plowing fields with an ox and a donkey on the same team.
  • No wearing clothes of assorted material, like wool with linen.
  • If a man rapes a woman who is engaged to be married, kill him.
  • Rape a woman who is not engaged, pay 50 bucks to her father and marry her.
  • No man who has had his penis cut off is allowed in church.
  • No one who doesn’t know who his father is shall be allowed in church.
  • If a man hates his wife he can divorce her simply by telling her so in writing.
  • If a woman is divorced a second time she can’t remarry her first husband.
  • Leave the gleaning of the fields to the poor widows and orphans.

25:1 Many rules were laid out concerning commercial business contracting and details for delivering severe punishment to people guilty of silly or trivial things.

And of course proper wife management and the general domination of women.

Jabba the Hut's Car Wash

As usual it was stressed that the first and best of any material profits be given to the Levite overlords.

27:1 Moses had the people build an extra large altar out of stones and plaster and with some of the rules carved right on it. Moses quoted for them the long list of people that Yahweh hated and would curse and then he listed those Yahweh would bless. Of course the cursed were anyone who disobeyed Yahweh’s rules or questioned the Levite dictatorship. The blessed were the obedient conformers. The blessings included things like wealth and health while the curses included everything from basic poverty to “The Itch.”

Top Ten Reasons Your Dog Might be ItchingJust for good measure Moses once again summarized the tribe’s short violent history, and then reminded the Israelites just what a petty, angry and jealous asshole Yahweh could be.

31:14 Moses was 120 years old and said he knew for sure that after he died the people would become totally wicked and totally doomed.

Next: Rock on Moses
The Bible According to Brad

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