We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

January 25, 2012


Noah's Ark Play Set ($25.75)Noah’s Ark
Genesis 6:7 to 11:1

6:7 Now Yahweh was really getting rather hostile towards creation. People and animals and birds were thinking evil things lately, more than usual. Yahweh started talking to himself a lot about destroying everything and killing all the people and animals and birds he had made, but deep down he knew he probably wouldn’t. He took a walk around and looked about and there was Noah, and Noah wasn’t such a bad guy after all.

Yahweh said to Noah, “Build a boat. Make it 450 feet long and put in one little itty bitty tiny window.” Noah obeyed and then Yahweh brought him animals to put into the boat. Breeding stock from each of the millions of species of mammals, marsupials, birds, reptiles, plus insects and plants were to be saved in this manner. Yahweh said to take 7 animals from each of the sort that he considered to be good eatin’ like cows and sheep and goats, and 2 each of the inedible species like pigs and velociraptors. It’s uncertain which group includes kangaroos, chupacabra, and botulism.

So Noah, at the ripe old age of 600, loaded his wife and his three sons and their wives and all the necessary feed for the massive zoo into the boat. Yahweh himself closed the door.

Isaac Asimov published a brief essay on the concentration of methane gas that would have been generated by all the farting in the enclosed environment, and the level of intensity of the explosion that would have been produced if anyone dared to strike a match.

Suddenly, for the first time ever in the entire history of the Universe, it began to rain. All of the Earth’s land masses were completely covered, which amounts to a minimum of five times all the known water in the oceans, atmosphere, and melted ice in the polar caps combined. This global environmental disaster happened in only forty days, meaning the sheer water pressure alone from such a downpour was enough to crush the evil humans. Yahweh thus baptized the sins of all creation in short order with one god-sized punishment. With the exception of Noah’s little family, and their huge floating menagerie, and of course the fishes, Yahweh killed everything and everyone. He wiped them out down to the last man, woman and screaming little innocent child.

Meanwhile Noah and his immediate family members floated around for a year or so in his big smelly boat and eventually things finally started drying up a little. The boat ran aground on a mountain peak. NoahMan and dinosaur lived together peacefully around 2000 BC. (Illustration by Peggy Miller) sent birds out flying a few times as a sort of scientific experiment. One brought back a twig so either some trees survived being at the bottom of an ocean all that time, or the bird found some debris floating around. When a dove didn’t come back at all, Noah figured the storm was pretty much over. He let the animals out, after all the kangaroos had a long walk ahead of them.

Then Yahweh made a special promise to Noah. “Never again will I use water when I get in one of those moods where I feel like killing off the whole world” he said. “As a token of this promise I will refract sunlight when it passes through water droplets in the atmosphere at an angle that is wavelength dependent so that it presents an arc of a visible array of colors at 42 degrees from the anti-solar point.”

The humans got busy killing some of the animals whose lives they had saved for Yahweh. They held various animals down and cut their throats and then burned the little critters’ remains to a crisp on top of an altar they had made just for that purpose. Yahweh heard the sounds of sizzling flesh and smelled the smokey smoldering and it made him feel really appreciated.

Next Noah planted a grape vineyard and when the grapes matured and the wine was ready to drink, he really got his party on. He was so stink-faced plastered that he just passed out sprawled nekid on the bed with his baby maker exposed. One of his sons, Ham, walked in and accidentally witnessed his father’s hideous junk hanging free as a windchime. He immediately ran to his two brothers and explained the unbearably embarrassing situation regarding dad’s man-package. The two undamaged brothers made a plan. They slowly and carefully entered the tent backwards so as not to see dad’s wretched juice bazooka and, without any peeking; they covered up his personal area with a garment.

Noah woke up with a whopper of a hangover and when the gaps in his memory were filled in, man was he ever pissed off. For some reason he blamed the whole thing on Ham instead of taking personal responsibility for getting too drunk and revealing Mister Gigglewiggle. “Just for that,” he swore to Ham, “from now on your brothers get to boss you around, and their children will boss around your children.” A few hundred years later Noah died.

The curse of Ham

As in the case of Abel being marked, many pastors preach to this day that the “Mark of Ham” is having dark skin. How else could we tell whose children to enslave? Biblical support of slavery was in fact a recurring theme in publications by southern politicians and religious leaders leading up to the American Civil War.
(pro-slavery writings)

11:1 At that time every single person everywhere on the whole planet spoke exactly the same language. They were of one big peaceful culture. Eventually they settled down blissfully and were having some good times in one general area and said “Hey, you know what would be totally awesome? Let’s all work together to build a great big tall tower, so tall it will connect the Earth to Heaven.”

Yahweh saw what the industrious creative curious humans were up to lately and he said to his selves “Oh My Me! The people are all cooperating peacefully with each other. This is terrible! They might do all sorts of great things, solve all sorts of interesting problems, and learn all sorts of things about themselves and the Universe. Let’s go down there right now and diversify their cultural identity so that they will be filled with hate for each other, and make war, and compete for scarce resources, and constantly try to enslave each other instead of cooperating with each other on grand endeavors. Then they will not have time for building amazing towers that metaphorically reach for utopia.”

Yahweh’s solution to the tower problem worked perfectly. The people suddenly began understanding and speaking a variety of different languages. Some languages were related linguistically and geographically of course but in general it made mass cooperation more difficult. Soon they were scattered across the continents and constantly at war with each other, and far too busy to be building tall towers. At last all was right with God’s little project.Two Towers. August 2000. Photo by Brad Snowder
Next: She works hard for the money.
The Bible According to Brad

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One Comment on “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

  1. archaeopteryx1 Says:

    When I did a whole page on animal farts filling the ark on my own site (less than 24 cows will do the trick), I had no idea Asimov had done that as well.
    I like your work!

    pax vobiscum,


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