Vision of Zion
Zechariah 1:1 to 14:1
1:1 The words of the Lord suddenly appeared in the mind of Zechariah saying “The Lord is upset with your fathers. Don’t be like your fathers.”
One night I saw a man riding on a red horse. Behind him were other riders also on red horses. That was pretty weird so I asked about it and an angel told me “The red horse riders have been sent by God to walk to and fro on the Earth.” I was also told that God has been mad at us for the full requirement of seventy years now and is ready to finally show us a little mercy. God is also ready to start dealing punishing blows to our traditional enemies. You know what I say? I say cheers to that. It’s about damn time!
I saw someone making measurements in downtown Jerusalem for rebuilding purposes. God will build a wall of fire around Jerusalem and live here with us. So that’s nice. Cheers to that.
3:3 I saw Joshua walking around in filthy clothes. He stood right next to Satan and some other angel. God insulted Satan and then gave Joshua some new clothes. At least now he has something to wear while he does laundry.
4:1 The angel woke me up out of a weird dream and interpreted the symbolism for me. The angel said that God intends for Zerubbabel to lead us to awesomeness and greatness. Then I saw a giant flying book. Not a book about flying giants. I mean a giant book that flies, and the angel said that the book contained a curse for the whole Earth. The book will fly around stabbing thieves and such. Stabbing thieves is good. Cheers to that. Yay for the giant thief stabbing flying book.
6:1 I saw four chariots come out of two mountains made of brass. The mountains were made of brass, not the chariots. The chariots were probably iron. The angel referred to the chariots as the Four Spirits of Heaven and, like the red horse guys, the chariots were sent to wander to and fro on the Earth.
God says that a guy known as “The Branch” will come soon and rebuild the temple. Cheers to that.
7:9 God once told the people to be honest and kind and compassionate. They didn’t listen and God got mad. He sent them into slavery and left this land desolate. But now we will have chariot spirits and red horse riders and a lot of to and fro action.
8:1 God gets so jealous so easily. But at least he is returning and will live with us here in Jerusalem. People will live happily here again and children will play games in the streets like in olden times. It will be exactly like old times. Meanwhile people of all languages everywhere will grab ahold of some Jew’s skirt saying “Let us follow you for we have heard that the creator of the entire Universe favors the Jews….all of their history notwithstanding.”
9:1 God will come kill our traditional enemies and then, finally, at long last, we will prosper. There will be plenty of fresh beer to cheer up the young men and fresh wine to cheer up the young women. Young people of both genders will be deliriously cheerful. At last the Jewish people will have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happy hour.
11:8 Three shepherds were fired in one month. I broke my staff in half in protest and demanded to be paid my wages. I was given only thirty bucks which I then gave to the church. One day a big killer shepherd will come who will eat their stupid fat flesh and tear them to pieces. That’ll show ‘em. Stupid shepherd bosses.
13:1 Someday God will make us fearsome and clean us up a bit. He will get rid of all the idols. The time will come when parents will kill their children for claiming to be prophets. Prophets will deny being prophets and instead claim to be cowboys.
14:1 The Day of The Lord is coming people! Jews will do battle with all the other nations of the world. The city of Jerusalem will be taken and our treasure plundered and our women raped. Then, when the treasure is all gone, and the women all raped, God will finally come down and kill the people that fought against us. On that day there will no longer be any Canaanites left alive in God’s house. Cheers.
Next: Lovers and Haters
The Bible According to Brad
Young Beer and Fresh Women
April 7, 2013
Vision of Zion
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