Tag Archives: judaism

Don’t Eat Me Bro

January 20, 2013

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The Lion’s Den Daniel 4:4 to 12:13 4:4 King Neb dreamed again and this time he remembered what it was about. It was a tree. The tree was a giant beautiful tree that everyone loved. All the people and animals lived together in and under and around the tree. But then a scary messenger appeared […]

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But it’s a Dry Heat

January 13, 2013

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The Fiery Furnace Daniel 1:1 to 3:30 1:1 The Lord allowed King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to conquer Judah and take the Jewish people captive. King Neb called his number one chief castrated slave and told him to pick some of the brighter Jews to come live in the palace and learn to speak the local […]

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Dem Dry Bones

January 6, 2013

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The Valley of Dry Bones Ezekiel 18:1 to 48:35 18:1 Repent for your sins and God will have mercy. It’s not your father’s fault you’re being punished. God judges you individually. Sin, sin, sin, tsk tsk tsk, your sins have been many. The people of Tyre are a bunch of sinners and the Babylonians will […]

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No Cake for Me Thanks

December 30, 2012

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The Son of Man Ezekiel 1:1 to 17:24 1:1 One day when I was with the captive Jews of Babylon, the heavens opened and I saw visions of God himself. I saw a huge stormy thingy with flashing lights and some weird multi-winged, multi-headed monsters. They were like part ox, part lion, part man, and […]

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Haters Gonna Hate

December 23, 2012

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Prophecy of Captivity Jeremiah 20:1 to 47:1 20:1 People hate me. They conspire against me. The governor of the church heard all of the slanderous crap I was saying about him and he had me arrested, beaten, and put in stocks by the gate. Bastard. When I was released I told him that the Babylonians […]

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Cry Baby Cry

December 16, 2012

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Lamentations Jeremiah 1:1 to 18:1 1:1 The sad miserable tidings of Jeremiah, into whose mouth many words were put by the Lord. 1:4 God knew me before I was even in my mother’s belly. Before I was even a sperm. Then when I became a fetus he decided he wanted me to be a preacher. […]

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An Old Fashioned Love Song

December 2, 2012

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The Love Poem Song of Solomon 1:1 to 8:11 1:1 This is the best song of all the songs. It was composed by Solomon. Let him kiss me right on the mouth with his mouth. Your love is better than wine and you are well known for your savory skin lotions. That’s why the virgins […]

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Free Advice

November 18, 2012

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Wisdom of Solomon Proverbs 1:1 to 31:1 1:1 These are the wise sayings of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel. 1:7 The beginning of knowledge is to be afraid of the Lord. So be very afraid. 1:8 My son, listen to me and your mother. 1:10 Don’t hang with bad people. 3:1 Don’t forget […]

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Catchy Lyrics

November 11, 2012

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Hymns of the Lyre Psalms 1:1 to 1:150 1. You would do well to follow the Lord’s rules, otherwise you will suffer mightily I assure you. 2. The kings of Earth think they can gang up against the Lord but he is laughing. Bwahahaha he will smash them to pieces like a clay pot. I […]

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Sexism and the City

October 14, 2012

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Esther and Mordecai Esther 1:1 to 8:8 1:1 King Ahasuerus of Persia would often party with very important men. One day he and some dignitaries were drinking and the king sent for his pretty queen Vashti to be brought in and paraded around before the guys. He insisted she come in wearing something skimpy and […]

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The Go-Backs and the Left-Behinders

September 30, 2012

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Post Exile Jerusalem Ezra 1:1 to 9:1 1:1 During the very first year under the rule of King Cyrus, the new king of Persia, the Jews enslaved in Babylon got some excellent news. The king posted a written public notice that read as follows: OFFICIAL NOTICE God has told me to be the boss over […]

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