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Prophecy of Captivity Jeremiah 20:1 to 47:1 20:1 People hate me. They conspire against me. The governor of the church heard all of the slanderous crap I was saying about him and he had me arrested, beaten, and put in stocks by the gate. Bastard. When I was released I told him that the Babylonians […]

Lamentations Jeremiah 1:1 to 18:1 1:1 The sad miserable tidings of Jeremiah, into whose mouth many words were put by the Lord. 1:4 God knew me before I was even in my mother’s belly. Before I was even a sperm. Then when I became a fetus he decided he wanted me to be a preacher. […]

Prophecy of Doom Isaiah 1:1 to 66:1 1:1 The hallucinations of Isaiah, the son of Amoz, which he saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem back in the days of Uzziah and a bunch of other kings. 1:2 Ok listen up. God says he has taken good care of you up until now but you are all […]

The Preacher Ecclesiastes 1:1 to 12:1 1:1 The words of the preacher, the son of King David in Jerusalem. Everything is nothing, absolutely nothing. Everything is absolutely nothing. People live and people die but the Earth just keeps on keeping on. The sun rises and the sun sets. The wind blows, the river flows. There […]

Wisdom of Solomon Proverbs 1:1 to 31:1 1:1 These are the wise sayings of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel. 1:7 The beginning of knowledge is to be afraid of the Lord. So be very afraid. 1:8 My son, listen to me and your mother. 1:10 Don’t hang with bad people. 3:1 Don’t forget […]

Hymns of the Lyre Psalms 1:1 to 1:150 1. You would do well to follow the Lord’s rules, otherwise you will suffer mightily I assure you. 2. The kings of Earth think they can gang up against the Lord but he is laughing. Bwahahaha he will smash them to pieces like a clay pot. I […]

God and Job Job 19:1 to 42:10 19:1 Both God and Satan remained quiet while Job and his three friends continued debating the system of justice God had provided for the Universe. Job said, “Give me a break, I’m innocent. I’ve begged God to hear my story but he’s shut me out. He has unfairly […]

Job’s Friends Job 8:1 to 18:1 8:1 After Job’s extensive tirade about the unjust nature of humanity’s role in the battle between cosmic factions of good and evil, his number two friend had finally heard enough and entered the fray. He said “How long can you go on and on about what a good guy […]

Testing Job Job 1:1 to 6:4 1:1 Once upon a time there was a rich man in the land of Uz whose name was Job. He was indeed one righteous dude. He was very afraid of the Lord, which is wise, and also he hated evil. So that was essentially Job’s stand on the subject […]

Esther and Mordecai Esther 1:1 to 8:8 1:1 King Ahasuerus of Persia would often party with very important men. One day he and some dignitaries were drinking and the king sent for his pretty queen Vashti to be brought in and paraded around before the guys. He insisted she come in wearing something skimpy and […]

The Fall of Jerusalem Second Kings 8:1 to 24:1 8:1 The woman whose son Elisha had revived from illness was sent by that holy man to Philistinia to survive a famine. She eventually returned and the king was nice enough to give her back the land he had taken from her earlier. Things seemed pretty […]

Elisha Second Kings 1:1 to 6:8 1:1 With Ahab dead, Ahaziah took over as king but soon became very sick. The Moabites took this opportunity to rebel against their Israelite overlords. Meanwhile Ahaziah sent men over to Ekron to ask their god Zebub for help getting well. Elijah intercepted them and asked “Zebub? Really? Have […]