Tag Archives: mythology

Be Afraid

March 17, 2013

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Fear of God Habakkuk 1:1 to 3:2 1:1 The burden of being Jewish from the point of view of Habakkuk. Lord how long do I have to sit around balling my eyes out and you will not hear me crying? Even when there is massive violence you will not come save us. There is something […]

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A Day in the Sun

March 10, 2013

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The Vengeance of God Nahum 1:1 to 3:1 1:1 The burden of Nineveh and all of the associated imaginings in the mind of a guy named Nahum. God is jealous. God is revengeful. God is furious. So then, we’ve established that God is jealous, revengeful, and furious. He is slow to anger sometimes but when […]

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Howl and go Naked

March 3, 2013

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Wrath of God Micah 1:1 to 6:2 1:1 The word of the Lord that just popped into Micah’s head one day. It’s going to get bad, real bad. God will be coming down to walk on the Earth and the dirt will melt under his feet like wax in a hot fire. He will totally […]

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The One That Got Away

February 24, 2013

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Jonah and the Whale Jonah 1:1 to 4:1 1:1 Once upon a time there was a Jewish guy named Jonah. The Lord talked to Jonah. He said “Jonah, go over there to that extremely distant city of Nineveh. Let the Ninnies know that I have noticed their wickedness, even from way over here. I’m not […]

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Free Slaves

February 17, 2013

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Cursing the Edomites Obadiah 1:1 to 1:21 1:1 The point of view of Obadiah. 1:11 The Lord thinks this about the Edomites. They stood back and laughed while Jerusalem was destroyed. Truth be known, they even aided in the destruction. 1:13 They should not have done that. They really should not have done that. 1:21 […]

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Burn Ban Lifted

February 10, 2013

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Judgment Day Amos 1:1 to 9:11 1:1 These are some words blurted out one day by Amos. That’s Mr. Amos to you. The Lord says he has three or four damn good reasons for sending a nasty horrible fire to burn up all of the nations in the whole damned mid-east region, including Israel and […]

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Bugs and Worms

February 3, 2013

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Valley of Jehoshaphat Joel 1:1 to 3:2 1:1 OK, here it is, the word of the Lord that just happened to come to Joel one day. It just popped into his head. And the word is that the crops not eaten by worms are eaten by locusts and the crops not eaten by locusts are […]

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Like Your Mom

January 27, 2013

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Reaping the Whirlwind Hosea 1:2 to 8:7 1:2 The Lord ordered Hosea to marry a prostitute because the Jews were doing whorish things. It seemed like a reasonable demand. So Hosea married a hooker named Gomer and she had children who were given long terrible names by God himself. 2:2 Go tell your mother she […]

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Don’t Eat Me Bro

January 20, 2013

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The Lion’s Den Daniel 4:4 to 12:13 4:4 King Neb dreamed again and this time he remembered what it was about. It was a tree. The tree was a giant beautiful tree that everyone loved. All the people and animals lived together in and under and around the tree. But then a scary messenger appeared […]

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But it’s a Dry Heat

January 13, 2013

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The Fiery Furnace Daniel 1:1 to 3:30 1:1 The Lord allowed King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to conquer Judah and take the Jewish people captive. King Neb called his number one chief castrated slave and told him to pick some of the brighter Jews to come live in the palace and learn to speak the local […]

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Dem Dry Bones

January 6, 2013

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The Valley of Dry Bones Ezekiel 18:1 to 48:35 18:1 Repent for your sins and God will have mercy. It’s not your father’s fault you’re being punished. God judges you individually. Sin, sin, sin, tsk tsk tsk, your sins have been many. The people of Tyre are a bunch of sinners and the Babylonians will […]

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No Cake for Me Thanks

December 30, 2012

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The Son of Man Ezekiel 1:1 to 17:24 1:1 One day when I was with the captive Jews of Babylon, the heavens opened and I saw visions of God himself. I saw a huge stormy thingy with flashing lights and some weird multi-winged, multi-headed monsters. They were like part ox, part lion, part man, and […]

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