If I knew that you were coming.
February 8, 2012
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February 8, 2012
|Sodom & Gomorrah
Genesis 18:1 to 19:30
18:1 One day Abraham was just kicking it back, chillaxing in the shade under the awning of his big tent when out of the blue Yahweh popped by with a couple of henchman in tow. “Welcome welcome,” opened Abe, jumping up adding “please please, have a seat. Take a load off. If I knew that you were coming I’d have baked a cake. Hey Sarah, quick, bake us a cake.”
After Sarah had served them all a lovely little snack the men folk were sitting there chatting and the almighty deity asked Abe “Where’d the little woman go?” “Oh she’s in the tent somewhere” replied Abe. But actually Sarah had hidden herself just behind the tent flap and was secretly listening in on the men’s conversation. Yahweh began with his tireless promising about Abe having kids and grandkids and great grandkids again but by this time Sarah was far too old to have children. In fact she had long ago stopped menstruating. When she heard the age-old promises about her having children she chuckled quietly to herself. Yahweh suddenly got extremely angry and bellowed at Abraham. “Your wife is LAUGHING AT ME! Why is your wife LAUGHING AT ME? Does she DARE to question my AWESOME MAGNIFICENT POWER?” This outburst really terrified Sarah and she came crawling out and pleading, “Oh no no no please dear master lord sir, I was not laughing. I was just…” “Oh…yes…you…WERE!” God thundered.
Then, just as suddenly as Yahweh’s strange, angry, self-absorbed outburst, the heavenly entourage stood up and focused their attention across the empty plain toward the region of Sodom and Gomorrah. Yahweh spoke to his two deputies. “Well guys, should I let Abraham in on my little plan? I think I can trust him, he’s my best friend and all so here it is. Abe, I am going to wipe out Sodom and Gomorrah and murder all the people living there because of their sexual preferences and their frequent enjoyment of casual sex. They’re just doing the poke poke too damn often lately and in ways I don’t appreciate, like in the butt and stuff.” “But lord,” Abraham tested, “must you really destroy every single person living in Sodom, even the more sexually repressed people?” To which Yahweh replied, “Well Abe, if I can find even ten decently repressed heterosexuals living there I will spare the cities. Otherwise it’s curtains for ALL OF THEM!” Off flew Yahweh with his winged lieutenants flying in the direction of Sodom while Abraham scurried back to his tent.
19:1 That evening Abraham’s nephew Lot was bebopping around in the suburbs of Sodom like it was just another beautiful day when the two angels flew down to meet him. Lot greeted them and immediately insisted that they stay for dinner. The angels said “Oh that’s very kind of you Lot but don’t go to any fuss. We don’t want you to go to any fuss. We’ll just hang out and wander the streets all night.” Lot would have none of that and kept insisting so finally they gave in and went to Lot’s house for dinner. While they were inside, some of the men of Sodom ganged up and surrounded Lot’s house and began yelling. “Hey Lot! Who are your new friends? Bring them out here right now. We want to have inappropriate sex with them.” Lot stepped outside and tried to reason with the mob of man-rapers. “Look guys,” bargained Lot, “I have these two very sexy young beautiful virgin daughters that I’ll let you have for free. You can do whatever deviant sexual things you want to my daughters, but please leave these men alone. They are my guests after all. Show some respect.”
The Sodomites were nothing if not persistent. “No way, Lot. Nice try. We don’t want no stinking daughters. Now let us in this instant or we’ll thump your ugly head. We intend to have non-consensual anal relations with those men.” They began to beat on the door in an effort to break it down. That was a big mistake. The angels quickly assumed full battle mode and started flinging magic spells at the mob. The Sodomite bullies suddenly all became blind, and ran around bumping into each other. The angels then told Lot that he had better pack up a few things and leave in a big hurry because they were about to start blasting the whole damned town to little bits with their special powers and kick ass angel weaponry.
Lot dashed out of the house and sprinted over to see his virgin daughters’ husbands, and told them shit was going down. They thought he had to be drunk or maybe he was just kidding about magic angels and all that so they ignored him. Lot ran back and began hurriedly packing up some of his things. By morning the deadly battle angels had become impatient and began shoving Lot and his wife and daughters out the back door while shouting “Run for your lives, don’t look back, head for the hills!” Lot stalled at this and begged, “No not the hills! Please don’t make me go up to the hills. I might meet something terrible up there in the hills. How about that little suburb called Zoar, it’s such a nice quaint little town. Couldn’t you spare Zoar and let us live there?” “Well,” they answered, “we figured you would ask that question and indeed we have been pre-authorized to grant this modest request.” By dawn Lot and his wife and girls were headed down the road for Zoar.
Yahweh made it rain on the towns of Sodom and Gomorrah. As he had promised Noah earlier, he did not destroy with water this time. Instead it rained down fireballs and hot lava. The two cities and everyone living there were completely fried, died, and laid to the side. As the escapees were crossing the plain to Zoar Lot’s wife briefly glanced back at the acrid smoke rising from the direction of Sodom and “poof” Yahweh turned her into a big wife-shaped block of salt. Meanwhile from far away Abraham was looking across the plain and he too saw the inky black column of death rising from the terrible holocaust.
19:30 Shortly after the massacre at Sodom, Lot became unsure of the relative safety of Zoar, what with people going blind and turning to salt and such, so he ran for the hills as the angels had originally suggested. It was definitely kind of freaky that God turned his wife into a mineral. He and his two young virgin daughters pitched camp in a remote cave to hide out until things cooled off down in the valley.
After a just little taste of cave life the eldest girl became bored and sexually frustrated and said to her younger sister “You do realize don’t you that no man is ever going to come dating us as long as we live up here in a stupid cave. We are never getting laid. Hey, wait, I have an idea, let’s get daddy all drunk and horny and have crazy creepy father-daughter sex with him so we can get pregnant.”
Later that night the girls encouraged their dad to become impetuously drunk, and though he was so over-tanked that he didn’t even realize what was happening, he was still man enough to do the rumpy pumpy and make the older sister pregnant. The next morning Lot didn’t remember a thing from the night before. He was clueless as to the exchange of bodily fluids. So that very next evening the girls pulled the exact same trick and Lot fell for it all over again. This time they sexed him up real good but with the younger sister heels-to-the-sky. She too became pregnant with her father’s baby, which would be her half brother or something like that. Anyway, again Lot suspected nothing.
The two little darlings born from these incestuous nights of demented debauchery, somewhere in a dark lonely cave up in the hills, were baby boys named Moab and Ammon. The boys eventually grew up to be the founders of major tribes of people, aptly named the Moabites and the Ammonites. Yahweh hated the Moabites and Ammonites; absolutely hated them.
So much about Lot’s life had suddenly changed. One day he is having a pretty good time, riding the range amongst the cattle, and before you know it, his wife is dead, his cows are dead, the whole town is dead, and his house is burned up. But at least he now had sons. And grandsons.
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