|David and Saul
First Samuel 22:1 to 31:1
22:1 David hid in the hills and stayed mobile with his small band of guerrilla insurgents and barely managed to stay one step ahead of Saul’s pursuit. David’s troops ran smack into a band of Philistines but crushed them.
24:3 King Saul’s son, Prince Jonathan, met with David and the two of them agreed they must somehow takeover Saul’s monarchy.
King Saul himself sneaked quietly into the dark cave where David and his men were hiding out. David swung his sword and cut off Saul’s skirt. He felt kind of bad about the skirt and just couldn’t bring himself to kill the king. Saul left the cave humiliated. David ran after him and showed him the ruined skirt and said “See, I don’t really want to kill you. But this skirt is hideous” Saul started crying and he agreed about the skirt so they made up and hugged and decided we should all just get along. David promised not to kill all of Saul’s family.
25:1 The high priest Samuel died. His passing was mourned by all of Israel as many gathered for the burial.
25:2 Within David’s zone of control lived a rich man named Nabal who had a very intelligent and pretty wife named Abigail. David sent tax collectors to visit Nabal but Nabal said “David? David who? I’m not paying taxes to some upstart pretender.” David mobilized his troops towards Nabal’s ranch but fortunately the smart and pretty Abigail rode out to intercept David with a big fruit basket and she begged for mercy for her husband. She said “Please don’t worry too much about what my husband says, he’s an idiot.”
Mercy was granted by David which was good because he was planning on killing the whole Nabal family. Abigal went home where her idiot husband was quite drunk so she waited until morning to tell him what she had done. Upon hearing about it Nabal was so shocked that a woman took such delicate matters into her own hands that he had a heart attack. A few days later the Lord struck Nabal down and killed him dead. Thus David was guiltless in the matter but then he kidnapped Abigail, not that she protested much, making her one of his many wives. She brought five of her hot but less brainy servants with her. David also took a little time out from the war to marry a couple of other women. David’s harem of wives and sex slaves was growing nicely.
26:5 David and Saul started warring again. This time Saul’s troops caught up with David’s troops and the opposing armies pitched camp near each other. During the night the Lord made Saul and all of his troops sleep so deeply that David was able to walk right up to where the king was sleeping and steal his spear and his royal water bottle. David again refrained from killing Saul saying “Only God can kill a king and not be a total asshat.” David went back to his own troops and woke everyone up by shouting loudly “Saul’s guards deserve to die! Look, I have Saul’s spear and water bottle. Ha ha, nice water bottle too I’m totally keeping it.” Again the two leaders cried and hugged and appeared to make peace and went their separate ways.
27:1 David said “We can’t stay one step ahead of Saul’s troops forever so I will go join up with our enemy the Philistines.” The Philistines gave David the control of a city named Ziklag in exchange for making war on his fellow Israelites. Saul left the David-Philistine alliance alone. David pretended to keep his part of the mercenary bargain by killing Canaanites and then lying to his Philistine masters saying he had killed Israelites. Life was good in Ziklag.
28:4 The Philistines took advantage of Israel’s general disunity and Saul feared for his life. He sought answers about the future by trying to have his dreams interpreted. He even tried using the old yes-no-maybe answer dice from the times of Moses, but nothing worked. It was hard to get good sooth saying done since Saul had pretty much run all of the witches and wizards out of the country. However there was one reputable witch in Endor and Saul sneaked over to visit her wearing a funky disguise.
First thing that happened at the witch’s house, she saw right through Saul’s stupid disguise and then she feared for her life, but Saul reassured her. Saul had the witch summon old Samuel’s ghost. The ghost of Sam could see the future, more or less, and he told Saul that the situation was utterly hopeless and that the Philistines would soon be opening a big can of whoop ass. Suddenly Saul felt kind of depressed, and then he felt hungry. The witch of Endor felt a bit of sympathy for the doomed king and fixed him a nice dinner.
29:1 The Philistine army marched to war but they didn’t really trust David, their newly acquired ally, bringing up their rear guard. David said “But I’ve been such a good servant so far, being such a total traitor to my people and all.” The Philistines agreed but sent David and his troops back to Philistinia for now.
Someone sacked David’s city of Ziklag. David’s army came across a starving Egyptian and after giving him some dinner he told them that it was Amalekites that had trashed the city of Ziklag and kidnapped some of David’s wives. David tracked down the Amalekites and smote them proper. He returned the wives and all of the stolen loot to Ziklag.
31:1 The Philistine army beat Saul’s army, killing Prince Jonathan and Saul’s other sons and shooting Saul himself full of arrows. As he was dying Saul was concerned that someone uncircumcised might finish him off and he couldn’t bear the thought of being killed by someone with an unabbreviated penis. He committed suicide by falling on his own sword. The Philistines cut off Saul’s head and paraded it about the country for a while. Saul’s friends eventually retrieved the bodies of the ex-king and his sons and cremated them and buried the ashes. David’s big moment had come.
Next: Splish Splash
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August 19, 2012
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