Tag Archives: bible

Like Your Mom

January 27, 2013

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Reaping the Whirlwind Hosea 1:2 to 8:7 1:2 The Lord ordered Hosea to marry a prostitute because the Jews were doing whorish things. It seemed like a reasonable demand. So Hosea married a hooker named Gomer and she had children who were given long terrible names by God himself. 2:2 Go tell your mother she […]

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Don’t Eat Me Bro

January 20, 2013

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The Lion’s Den Daniel 4:4 to 12:13 4:4 King Neb dreamed again and this time he remembered what it was about. It was a tree. The tree was a giant beautiful tree that everyone loved. All the people and animals lived together in and under and around the tree. But then a scary messenger appeared […]

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But it’s a Dry Heat

January 13, 2013

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The Fiery Furnace Daniel 1:1 to 3:30 1:1 The Lord allowed King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to conquer Judah and take the Jewish people captive. King Neb called his number one chief castrated slave and told him to pick some of the brighter Jews to come live in the palace and learn to speak the local […]

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Dem Dry Bones

January 6, 2013

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The Valley of Dry Bones Ezekiel 18:1 to 48:35 18:1 Repent for your sins and God will have mercy. It’s not your father’s fault you’re being punished. God judges you individually. Sin, sin, sin, tsk tsk tsk, your sins have been many. The people of Tyre are a bunch of sinners and the Babylonians will […]

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Haters Gonna Hate

December 23, 2012

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Prophecy of Captivity Jeremiah 20:1 to 47:1 20:1 People hate me. They conspire against me. The governor of the church heard all of the slanderous crap I was saying about him and he had me arrested, beaten, and put in stocks by the gate. Bastard. When I was released I told him that the Babylonians […]

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Cry Baby Cry

December 16, 2012

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Lamentations Jeremiah 1:1 to 18:1 1:1 The sad miserable tidings of Jeremiah, into whose mouth many words were put by the Lord. 1:4 God knew me before I was even in my mother’s belly. Before I was even a sperm. Then when I became a fetus he decided he wanted me to be a preacher. […]

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Woe to the World

December 9, 2012

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Prophecy of Doom Isaiah 1:1 to 66:1 1:1 The hallucinations of Isaiah, the son of Amoz, which he saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem back in the days of Uzziah and a bunch of other kings. 1:2 Ok listen up. God says he has taken good care of you up until now but you are all […]

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An Old Fashioned Love Song

December 2, 2012

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The Love Poem Song of Solomon 1:1 to 8:11 1:1 This is the best song of all the songs. It was composed by Solomon. Let him kiss me right on the mouth with his mouth. Your love is better than wine and you are well known for your savory skin lotions. That’s why the virgins […]

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Happy Happy Joy Joy

November 25, 2012

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The Preacher Ecclesiastes 1:1 to 12:1 1:1 The words of the preacher, the son of King David in Jerusalem. Everything is nothing, absolutely nothing. Everything is absolutely nothing. People live and people die but the Earth just keeps on keeping on. The sun rises and the sun sets. The wind blows, the river flows. There […]

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Catchy Lyrics

November 11, 2012

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Hymns of the Lyre Psalms 1:1 to 1:150 1. You would do well to follow the Lord’s rules, otherwise you will suffer mightily I assure you. 2. The kings of Earth think they can gang up against the Lord but he is laughing. Bwahahaha he will smash them to pieces like a clay pot. I […]

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The Last Laugh

November 4, 2012

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God and Job Job 19:1 to 42:10 19:1 Both God and Satan remained quiet while Job and his three friends continued debating the system of justice God had provided for the Universe. Job said, “Give me a break, I’m innocent. I’ve begged God to hear my story but he’s shut me out. He has unfairly […]

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The Good, The Bad, and the Fugly

October 28, 2012

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Job’s Friends Job 8:1 to 18:1 8:1 After Job’s extensive tirade about the unjust nature of humanity’s role in the battle between cosmic factions of good and evil, his number two friend had finally heard enough and entered the fray. He said “How long can you go on and on about what a good guy […]

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