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Battle of Gibeon Joshua 7:3 to 22:11 7:3 Joshua sent a detachment of only a couple of thousand troops to destroy the people in the city of Ai because for one thing they were so few of them. He also thought for sure they were wussies and would be a push over. That was a […]

Battle of Jericho Joshua 1:1 to 6:1 1:1 Yahweh said to Joshua “Moses is dead. It’s up to you now. If you will be brave, I’ll be here to help you steal every parcel of land on which you step. So get stepping.” 1:12 Joshua reminded the tribes of Gad and Reuban that they had […]

Song of Moses Deuteronomy 31:19 to 34:10 31:19 Moses called the tribal leaders together and taught them a catchy song that he had written for them. The song didn’t really touch on anything new, it was mostly just what was awesome and what sucked about dealing with Yahweh. 32:1 Listen-up in the north, And listen […]

The Second Law Deuteronomy 1:1 to 31:14 1:1 Moses made a long speech romanticizing the bloody epic of the tribes. First he brought them up to date on some of his biggest accomplishments and then he highlighted the bright forecast for the anticipated genocide of the men, women, and children of Canaan. Yahweh had recently […]

Joshua Anointed Numbers 25:1 to 35:9 25:1 The Israelites hung out in a place in Moab called Shittim and became infatuated by the Midianite culture there, especially the women. Shittim was modern. Shittim was fancy. Many Israelite men enjoyed hooking up with Midianite girlfriends and they also began to study the sophisticated city folk’s worldviews […]

Balaam’s Ass Numbers 15:1 to 22:1 15:1 Yahweh told Moses he needed revenue and he said to raise taxes on the people again. He also detailed how much in fees and penalties people would have to pay this time to be forgiven for an array of new sins. He said that any strangers in the […]

Twelve Spies Numbers 11:1 to 14:39 11:1 When people complained about stuff it really irritated Yahweh. He would become very moody and go around randomly burning innocent people to death. The people ran crying to Moses about the unfairness of it all. Moses had a little talk with Yahweh who agreed to stop the random […]

Ark of the Covenant Numbers 1:1 to 7:1 1:1 Yahweh said to Moses, “Count up how many men, 20 years and older, that are capable of going to war. I need to know how many soldiers I can field. Except don’t count the Levites. I need them to take care of the church and administrate […]

Mosaic Law Leviticus 18:1 to 27:34 18:1 “Listen to me. I am God. Don’t behave the way you did in Egypt, running around buck nekid all the time.” Yahweh gave Moses a long sermon about nudity. He explained when to get naked, when not to get naked, who to see naked, who not to be […]

The Tabernacle Leviticus 1:1 to 16:2 1:1 Yahweh talked to Moses in the new tabernacle tent and said things like “Bring me the Israelite’s best cows and slit their throats and smear blood all over.” And of course “Cook those tasty critters extra crispy! I like my steaks well done and extra lean.” Yahweh included […]

Worshiping Baal Exodus 32:1 to 40:38 32:1 What could be taking Moses so long? The people grew restless for mindless rituals and excessive dogma so Aaron collected all the men’s earrings and molded them into the figure of a young cow. The people looked at the statue and said “There he is! That’s him! That […]

Noah’s Ark Genesis 6:7 to 11:1 6:7 Now Yahweh was really getting rather hostile towards creation. People and animals and birds were thinking evil things lately, more than usual. Yahweh started talking to himself a lot about destroying everything and killing all the people and animals and birds he had made, but deep down he […]