In the Big Inning

January 5, 2012

Religion

Planet Earth photographed by the Apollo Mission 16 crew about one and one-half hours after trans-lunar injection on April 16, 1972.Adam & Eve
Genesis 1:1 to 3:7

1:1 In the very beginning the Gods created the Universe.

The Gods created the planet Earth also but it was kind of weird at first and not quite finished. They made electromagnetic photon energy, and the lack thereof, and called them the first day and the first night.

Then they separated the watery planet from the “everything else,” which they called heaven. Thus ended day number two.

The next day they created some dry land and started calling the water the sea. The Gods looked over the things they had made so far and it all looked pretty good to them. They told the new planet to grow some plants, like grass and trees and flowers and stuff, and sure enough the Earth obeyed. Thus ended day three and things were still looking good.

On day four they made several hundred billion galaxies, each galaxy with over a hundred billion stars and trillions of planets, as well as blackholes, comets, asteroids, and assorted nebulae, etc. Also they invented things like solar days, tropical seasons, and the sidereal year. Then the Gods took a moment to make a big ball of thermonuclear fusion to light the day and radiate the Earth, which was a good thing for all those plants they made back on day three, and a lesser dimmer reflecting orb of rock for nighttime. All in all it was a pretty big day.

If our solar system were the size of a coffee cup, our galaxy would be the size of the North American continent.

On day five the Gods told the water to produce fishes and other sea-life and they also ordered birds to fly around. They ordered all of these life-forms to reproduce.

On day six the Gods made cows and other animals similar to cows, and all the creeping things. So far so good. Then the Gods said to themselves “Let us make a man. Like us he will totally boss around the fish and birds and cows and creepy things.” And so they made man, male and female, and told them to have children and to dominate the other life-forms. The Gods said “Thank Me It’s Friday.”

On day seven the Gods took a little break from all this creating business and declared Saturday to be a special day of rest. The intention to interfere with the point spread of college football games was not mentioned.

Day 1: Watery Earth.
Day 2: Light.
Day 3: Dry Land and Plants.
Day 4: Stars, Sun, and Moon.
Day 5: Fish and Birds.
Day 6: Cows, Creepy Things, People.
Day 7: All you can eat buffet.

Paradise

2:7 To more precisely recount that sixth day, Yahweh fabricated from dirt, a man whom he called Adam and put him in a large garden somewhere on Earth called Eden and told him to take care of it. Yahweh told Adam he could do anything he wanted in the garden, and have anything he wanted at all, except for one type of fruit called The Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil. “If you even touch that damned fruit… I WILL KILL YOU!” Yahweh bellowed.

Adam obviously needed some help taking care of the garden and besides Yahweh knew Adam was lonely. Yahweh brought animals to Adam so he could give them names, which is handy, but none of the animals were of very much help with the gardening. So Yahweh rendered Adam unconscious and he surgically removed one of his ribs. With this piece of bone he fabricated a woman and named her Eve. Adam and his female clone ran buck naked through the garden and were completely unashamed of their genitals.

3:1 Now snakes are rather clever, for an animal anyway, and one day a snake said to Eve, “What about this special fruit tree?” Eve replied, “Oh the one Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is SO off limits. If I even touch that one God will kill me.” “No no no,” said the snake, “that’s just a figure of speech, he won’t really kill you. If you eat that fruit it will make you smart, as smart as God, and he knows it.” Eve looked again at the forbidden fruit. This was not a nasty smelling gross looking fruit or anything like that. In fact it was very beautiful. It was almost begging to be eaten. So she ate it. She gave some to her husband and he ate without questioning her decision whatsoever.Illustration by Tim O'brien

IT’S A SET UP! Eve is not equipped to resist temptation and the moral compass needed to obey God can’t come to her until AFTER she’s eaten the damned fruit. Yahweh is a Shmendrik.

3:7 Suddenly Adam and Eve became extremely ashamed of their genitals. The humans feverishly tried to hide the nasty bits with leaves, but Yahweh had been spying on them and now he sprung from hiding, “AHA! Who’s been eating this fruit?” The couple, NOW recognizing good from evil, confessed to the horrible crime. But then they tried to pass the blame to the snake. “For this,” declared Yahweh, “the snake must henceforth crawl on his belly, like a snake.” Next Yahweh turned his monstrous anger towards Eve. “I will turn your life into a miserable bummer!” he raved. “As punishment, from now on, husbands get to totally boss their wives around. Also, childbirth will be excruciatingly painful.” As Eve cowered in fear, it was Adam’s turn. “Now men must farm to survive. You must work on the farm and sweat day in and day out until you’re so sick and tired of the whole stinking agricultural program that you just die and decay away into dust!”

After Adam & Eve sin, god punished them...

Yahweh was so disappointed with the humans that he killed some animals, which were the first deaths ever recorded in the whole history of the Universe. He fashioned clothing out of the skins of the dead animals and gave them to the humans saying “Here, cover up your damned genitals!” Then God said to himself “Look at this man creature. He is just like us now, knowing right from wrong, ashamed of his genitals and all. Who knows, he might even eat from the Tree of Life that we failed to mention. Then he would live forever.” So Yahweh kicked them out of the beautiful garden for fear that they might eat from the Tree of Life and live forever. He stationed horrible monsters by the garden to keep them from trying to sneak back in.

Next: Don’t Bring God Fruits
The Bible According to Brad

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3 Comments on “In the Big Inning”

  1. claire Says:

    ‘the first six books are written in one language’

    really???

    ahhh yuuuu shuuuaaah?

    Reply

    • skywiseunlimited Says:

      My understanding of the scholarly consensus is that stories in the first six books seem to have been dove-tailed together from three different linguistic sources (E, J, & P docs). The “E” stands for Elohim which means gods, the plural of Elo. The “J” stands for Yahveh strangely enough, but that’s a long story by itself. The “P” is for priests and is mostly long lists of who begat whom – some clerical stuff to tie it all together. The first two sources, E & J, probably existed in various forms and were coveted by the captives of Babylon before their return to Jerusalem. After gaining freedom, the Priests assembled the official version and pieced it all together.

      I must admit, this description of the origin neatly explains why the creation story is told twice in succession; once from the viewpoint of the city tribes, and then the nomads.

      Since this blog is new I want to reiterate and stress that I am not a bible scholar in any formal sense. I am an astronomer as well as a humorist – smart ass type. That’s my real perspective here so I appreciate input from those who have put genuine effort into studying this stuff historically. I’m much less impressed by religious glorification of it as I can get plenty of that sort of thing from that weird old guy on campus who shouts all the time.

      Reply

    • skywiseunlimited Says:

      Oh, and nice Marisa Tomei impression btw. [update] I see what you are getting at and I edited that phrase.

      Reply

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