Don’t Bring God Fruits

4:1 Adam performed the sex act on Eve and she gave birth to a pair of baby boys. One boy, named Abel, grew up to be a semi-nomadic shepherd, migrating about the region with herds of sheep and goats, ever in search of good pasture. The other boy, Cain, grew up to be a stay-at-home farmer type; with fields of crops and orchards of fruit trees.

Free range shepherd vs dirt farmer, denizen vs citizen, nomad vs civilized; the boys eponymously (conveniently) represent the class struggle arising from the advent of agrarian-based city states. At the heart of that competition for resources lies contrasting worldviews on leadership structures such as the priesthood hierarchy, military hierarchy, and even the proposed hierarchy of heaven itself.

One day Cain and Able brought gifts to Yahweh. Unlike the good ol’ days of the Garden of Eden they had to work very very hard to survive, but there were some rewards for those who labored and they brought the best part of the booty to their maker. The shepherd came forward with a cute, playful, sweet little newborn lamb and when Abel cut its throat Yahweh thanked him for the wonderfully bloody experience. Then Cain the farmer showed up and brought forward a great big colorful fruit basket. “Fruits!?,” Yahweh gasped, “You brought me fruits?” “Are you kidding me, FRUITS?” This was the last straw for Cain. “Fine” he retorted bitterly, “I’ll keep my damned fruits.” To which Yahweh replied, “What are you getting mad at me for? You’re the one who screwed up!” And then he glibly added “You know Cain, you control your own destiny.”

Cain and Able wandered off mumbling something or other, who knows what, and then Cain (the orchard farmer) murdered Abel (the shepherd).

Suddenly Yahweh appeared on the scene. “‘Wazzup Cain. Hey, where’s your brother?” “I dunno” Cain lied. “Oh yes you do!” Yahweh began to wind up, “I saw the whole thing. I KNEW you would do this. Just for this, from now on I will produce even less fruit for all your farming labor and you will have to live like a worthless bum!” Cain fell to his knees and pleaded with Yahweh. “I can’t take it anymore. This is just too much. No matter where I go people will kill me.” “Ok,” Yahweh softened, “I’ll tell you what. If anybody kills you I will kill them seven times.” Then Yahweh put some sort of mark on Cain so people would know not to kill him although no one knows what it was, and then Cain moved to someplace called Nod and no one really knows where that is either.

4:25 Meanwhile Adam did sex on Eve again and she had another boy named Seth. Seth had children with somebody, who knows, but they had children, who had children, etc. and incredibly, strangely, they all had the same names as Cain’s offspring. They each lived an unbelievably long time, clear down to the time of Noah.

About that time Yahweh’s sons started dating human women. The sons of the Gods had children with Earth’s women and thus there were a lot of giants running around. Yahweh looked about and suddenly he was sick and tired of the whole program. People everywhere were always thinking slutty and disgusting things, having sex with giants, or bringing him fruits and such. Even the animals were disgusting lately. “I KNEW IT” he pined, “I WILL KILL THEM ALL!”

Next: We’re gonna need a bigger boat.
The Bible According to Brad