Tag Archives: genesis

I Feel So Broke Up I Want To Go Home

March 22, 2012

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Ten Plagues Exodus 5:1 to 11:1 5:1 Moses and Aaron finally got their big audition with the Pharaoh of Egypt. They told him that Yahweh wanted the Israelites to go way out on the desert and have a strange bloody ritual. They added “If we don’t go do this God says he will kill us […]

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I Yam What I Yam

March 18, 2012

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Baby Moses Exodus 1:1 to 4:20 1:1 After hundreds of years of good times in Egypt, there was a coup d’etat and the descendants of the twelve sons of Israel were all fans of the losing Pharaoh’s regime. By this time the Israelite tribes had grown to a considerable piece of the Egyptian economic pie. […]

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You Can be in My Dream if I Can be in Yours

March 13, 2012

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Pharaoh’s Dream Genesis 39:20 to 48:1 39:20 Although Joseph was a mere Canaanite slave, he rejected his Egyptian master’s wife’s romantic advances on moral principles. The scorned woman screamed rape and what with having Joe’s shredded shirt in her possession and all, the master believed her story. He threw poor Joe into prison. Life in […]

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Dude, Nice Coat

March 6, 2012

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Joseph’s CoatGenesis 37:1 to 39:1 37:1 After Yahweh officially changed Jacob’s name to Israel the chosen family continued to live on in Canaan. Thanks to all of the productive time he had spent playing humpy the camel with his wives and their maid slaves, Israel had 12 boys. By far his favorite son was Little […]

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The Good Wife

February 29, 2012

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Rachel & Leah Genesis 28:10 to 35:17 28:10 After scamming his father into giving him a special ritualistic endorsement, and ripping off his twin brother of the family fortune, Jacob was living life on the lam. He headed over to his uncle Laban’s house to lay low for awhile, and maybe hook up with a […]

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No Soup For You

February 23, 2012

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Jacob & Esau Genesis 23:1 to 26:34 23:1 Abraham’s wife Sarah died at the age of 127. It happened during the time when Abe was ranging cattle in an area being controlled by the Hittites. In great sorrow he negotiated with them for the deed to a remote cave that he used to entomb dear […]

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Where you want this killing done?

February 15, 2012

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Sacrificing Isaac Genesis 20:1 to 22:1 20:1 After the horrible tragedy at Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham decided it would be best to clear out of Canaan for awhile. He relocated his operation to the south in the kingdom of Gerar and just like that time before, when he visited Egypt, he chose to deceive people […]

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If I knew that you were coming.

February 8, 2012

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Sodom & Gomorrah Genesis 18:1 to 19:30 18:1 One day Abraham was just kicking it back, chillaxing in the shade under the awning of his big tent when out of the blue Yahweh popped by with a couple of henchman in tow. “Welcome welcome,” opened Abe, jumping up adding “please please, have a seat. Take […]

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She works hard for the money.

February 1, 2012

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Abram & Sarai Genesis 11:10 to 15:1 11:10 Many men were born, lived, and died before someone finally came along that Yahweh liked. The man’s name was Abram and Yahweh liked Abram more than anyone born before him or ever since. Yahweh said to Abram “Pack up and leave your country and leave most of […]

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We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

January 25, 2012

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Noah’s Ark Genesis 6:7 to 11:1 6:7 Now Yahweh was really getting rather hostile towards creation. People and animals and birds were thinking evil things lately, more than usual. Yahweh started talking to himself a lot about destroying everything and killing all the people and animals and birds he had made, but deep down he […]

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I once was a Baptist

January 23, 2012

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At a very early age I began questioning the logic of my parent’s faith. The answers weren’t what I expected. For instance, why did Jesus absolutely have to be tortured to death? Why did our sins have to be paid for and couldn’t there at least be a better way to pay? The souls of […]

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Don’t Bring God Fruits

January 19, 2012

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Cain & Abel Genesis 4:1 to 4:25 4:1 Adam performed the sex act on Eve and she gave birth to a pair of baby boys. One boy, named Abel, grew up to be a semi-nomadic shepherd, migrating about the region with herds of sheep and goats, ever in search of good pasture. The other boy, […]

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